It has been FOREVER since I've written on here. On either blog actually and that really makes me sad. However I have an anniversary coming up, and it's all but consuming every though these days. Not because I want it too, that's for sure, But I guess, it's just that time of the year.

So much has changed in my life over the past year. Where to begin.

On January 19th it will be a full year since I woke up having a normal morning routine and instead found that dreaded text. That text that broke me and made me an entire different person then I was before I went to bed the night before. I will NEVER again be that gullible innocent person. I will forever be a guarded person who doesn't know whether or not to trust, to let my walls down or keep them up, to know if I am being played or not,  but ah, that's life afterwards isn't it?  Really though, if it wasn't for it being this time of the year, I probably wouldn't feel as horrible as I do right now. Dates and holidays and stuff set off those darn triggers we all hate and dread so much.

Within a week, Retrouvaille became my new life, and still is. There is now life "before" retrouvaille and life after. Although I loved my before life, It was mostly lies, so the after is the one I'll like now. And just hope and pray it will never be a lie again. Retrouvaille is still, a year later a HUGE part of our lives and will always be.

The week after that, our youngest son, then 5 had his first seizure. It was the scariest time of my entire life. I was already down, and got knocked back down again.

Not too long after that, maybe 2/3 months, our daughter told us that she was having suicidal thoughts. Got her the help she needed.

Oh.. a month after that? Around May, I learned that my position was being cut and I was being thrown back to a lower position that I HATED and left 8 years prior.

A month after that, I had the option to stay in said horrible position or lose my job.

June 28th after 18 years of employment, I lost my job. *sigh* Its' been one hell of a year let me tell you.

By August I decided that hey, why not go back to school and do what I've always wanted to do? I registered and became a full time student working towards my Nursing degree.

In September Mike and I went on a cruise to celebrate our  10 year anniversary. We met the most amazing people, and new lifelong friends (I always find them on cruise ships?!) One person specifically though, touch my so much, I cried my eyes out saying goodbye. You see they live in Florida. We live in NY. She was like my kindred spirit. I need her near me. Thus became my thoughts, why are we still living in Buffalo?

By November the decision to relocate to Florida was made

December I got my first full semester grades and finished with a 4.0!

This month I put my application in for the Fall 2014 Nursing program.  Mike's been appling to jobs every single night in Florida and we spend all of our free time looking at housing in that state.

Yes, it's been one hell of a year. I am ready for a change. For new beginnings, for happiness, and a start to our future outside of NY. I gave it all to God and I know he'll lead us where we need to be. After all, He's got me this far hasn't he?

May Challange!

I know today is the 2nd already, but I am going to kick my butt and do yesterday and today! Anyone want in with me??? 

April 30th

Little by little I am adding my mileage!! 

The most frustrating thing ever is that in doing ALL this running I have lost NO weight, only gained!! what the heck!! 

April 29th

April 28th

April 25th

I hate that I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. Now that I have something tracking me, I feel like I do NOTHING all day long. No wonder I weigh closer to 300lbs then I do to 200lbs! Anyway, I sat at work all day yesterday. Then, I was meeting my dad at 7pm for a special showing of the Star Trek special feature, The Best of Both Worlds. Yes, we are dorks. LOL My dad LOVED star trek. Still does. I hated it when I was young, then the next generation came out, and it was better, then Will Wheaton came on to the show, and who doesn't like a cute teenager when your a teen?? So I got hooked. My dad and I even went to star trek conventions when they would come to buffalo! Pathetic I know. So when my dad invited me to this special showing, I was excited. And, I enjoyed it. LOL I get the story lines now, when I was young, they meant nothing to me. So they did interviews with the cast, then showed the 2 episodes, then did bloopers and even a special preview of the new season 4 that is coming out on blue ray this summer. So,, sorry about that long story, but I had yet another 2 hours to sit, when the heck would I get my steps in??

Well, I got home from work at 4:35, I needed to shower by 5:30 so I could leave the house by 6 or so. so at 4:53, Mike pulled in the driveway, and I ran out of it. I was frustrated, because my GPS wasn't working really well. I couldn't get my running program to work AT ALL. then my music wouldn't continue playing, it would freeze after every song. ugh. I hate runs like this. So in the end, I did intervals, on my own, judging my mailboxes, or trees etc and no music for motivation. I guess I didn't do horrible though. In the end of the night, at bedtime here were my results. 

 I did a total of 4.45 miles over the entire day. I am sure 2 if not more (I need to go map that route I think) were from the walk/run after work, and A good 4000+ steps were from that as well.  AND I managed to get home from the run at 5:23, get in the shower, and was dressed and ready to go before 6pm, so I got to hang out with Colin for a bit while Caden and daddy were outside cutting the grass!! Wahoo!! 

 

Triggers

Hubby's work truck broke down 2 days ago. Bad enough, that it's going to be out of commission for a couple of days until they figure something out, so he's pulling flatbed for now. Which is fine. This is a huge trigger for me though.The last time his truck broke down to this degree, it was December. December 18th to be exact. He didn't have to work, because there wasn't enough for him to pull flatbed, so he stayed home. Then sent me a text saying that they needed a specific part for the truck, and asked Mike to drive out to Tonawanda to pick it up for them. Odd, But Ok. I seriously thought nothing of it at all. A few hours later he called to tell me that he went to Tim Horton's while he was out there, and the drive thru lane was too long, so he went in to order, while he was there, he ran into a gal he used to teach religion with, so they sat down and had coffee together. Why did he feel the need to tell me this piece of info? Because my dad's wife, Cheryl, my stepmother, saw him. With another women. NOW I know all of that was a lie. I was being played, I was a fool and gullible as can be, because I trusted my husband with my whole heart. Trusted that he would never lie to me, so dumb little me, believed every single word out of his mouth. Even a week later on Christmas eve when Cheryl mentioned it to me about Mike being with someone else, I still never thought in a million years that my husband would cheat on me. Idiot that I am, didn't see it, even when Cheryl clearly did. She saw it clear enough that she even called my dad that day and told him. If only I was able to read through the lines then. Although. Really, would it change things now? He was already cheating with HER. He had already had an emotional affair with someone else by that time. He had already kissed her, so in reality, It wouldn't have stopped the hurt or the pain. BUT I would have known a month sooner. I wouldn't have been played as long. Everything happens for reasons. There are reasons why it did the way it did, for which I am grateful. 

Anyway, the point being -  when something as simple as his truck breaking down, which is a simple meaningless nothing to him, Brings me right back to the "real" reality of what has happened to us. Reminds me that my heart still hurts and breaks and brings tears to my eyes. Somedays, most days actually, all is really well, but there are those moments, that remind me, Kym, You ARE only 3 months out from DDay, give yourself time to heal. It's Ok to be sad and upset, and it's OK to have triggers.