Now I am freaking out.

I think now would be a good time to start panicking. 13 miles.... Um.. What the H$$$ was I thinking??? Seriously, I don't now that I can do this. that is FAR. It's the WHOLE DARN STATE PARK! I am nervous. How in the world can I work myself up to running 14 miles (because I want to be able to run one more then need be) when currently I can't even run 1 mile??? Oh lord. Help me. 

Advice... anyone??? Other then, yes, Freak out!

Ok, NOW I just realized today is the 17th, Um.. that means this is EXACTLY 4 MONTHS FROM TODAY. Holy Cow Batman! 

Trying to get back in the Game

I am really trying hard to get back in the game. It's so hard when life knocks you down, to get back up. I feel as if there are weights sitting on top of me as I lay down and can't gain the strength to get back up again. Slowly but surely, I am going to get back up. I've been on the right dosage of meds now for about 7 weeks, and I am feeling more and more like me. Our family dynamic, although still struggling is better. Of course, it will be quite a while for our family to completely, if ever, overcome infidelity. I think that's normal. I also think it's normal for me to have both good and bad days. Our CORE meeting is on Saturday and I am really looking forward to being back with my safety line again. 

Considering my 1/2 is coming closer and closer each breath that I take, I thought Now is the time Kym. DO THIS. Another part of the reason, was the Boston Bombings. What kind of sick psycho did this to us?? Really, it's just horrible. Our children have experienced more acts of terrorism in their short lives, then I ever remember dealing with at their age. So very sad. So, as my heart is breaking for those who passed away because of this act, and those 170+ others who are injured. Some critical, some serious, and some just minor, regardless, they have been put in the center of something that never should have happened. I can't do anymore then pray for all of those involved  and pray that this person, whoever he/she/they are, are caught and punished. To honor those, I got on my shoes, and said, TODAY (well yesterday really) is the day I am going to release that weight. If they can survive that, then I can survive this. 

I was surprised when I turned on my NIKE app and it had been 12 days since my last run/walk. (let's not forget that before that 12 days, it had been Since January 17th, 2 days before my hell began)  So much for that day being my restart huh?? blah.

Yesterday was a crappy rainy, chilly day. 49 degrees and it was almost 7pm, but we have to put mind over matter and stop using excuses. Here goes nothing!! 

.

The RUN SUCKED. Really, it did. it was horrible. I thought I have the C25K program running, when in reality I have the 10K program running. SO my first run, I run well over a block, thinking, this is WAY more then the 60 seconds I should be running. Stopped, checked it out, and yes, it was 10k, which was five 8 min runs. Um.. Not happening. So I went back to the 5K one, but was already frustrated by then. Then the dam phone rang and I missed a running interval  I probably only did 3, not even full intervals, before I gave up and just started walking the rest of the way. I guess anything is better then nothing, so here are my sad, sad starts for the day yesterday. 

A 15 min mile is horrid. 

 And here is me post workout as I am walking into the house. So disappointed in myself :( 

I'll get there again. Although I feel better, I still really miss that confident Kym. Knowing what my future held. 

A Must Post

To realize the value of a sister/brother

Ask someone who doesn't have one

To realize the value of ten years:

Ask a newly divorced couple

To realize the value of four years:

Ask a graduate

To realize the value of one year:

ask a student who has failed a final exam

To realize the value of nine months:

ask a mother who gave birth to a still born

To realize the value of one month:

ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby

To realize the value of one week:

ask an editor of a weekly newspaper

To realize the value of one minute:

ask a person who has a missed the train, bus or plane

To realize the value of one second, 

ask a person who has survived an accident

Time waits for no one

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when you can share with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member, 

Lose one. 

Another Text message this morning. I feel like I have to save them...

4/0/13

Beautiful

Yesterday, I was told {by Mike} That i was beautiful. I can't ever remember a time that he's told me that, or if he has, it was eons (years and years) ago. Sometimes, even if you don't believe those words, it really IS nice to hear them.....

He sent me this text just a bit ago. I am adding it here, because I want to always remember/have it:

I want you to know that I do love and I'm very very sorry for what I've done to you in the past. I really do love you and i'm not just saying that. 

Sent April 8th at 12:05pm

Tonight I am meeting with a friend. A friend, who is going to completely 100% understand everything that I say to her. Because  she too, is living the "after" retrouvaille life. It's hard to separate real life and that life. You want everything to be the perfect retrouvaille way, after all, you did work your behind off for 3 straight days, then 7 weeks after that as well. THEN, all of a sudden, post is over, CORE came and went the first month, and here we are. Just kinda hanging out in a life raft, bobbing up and down with the waves. The thoughts begin to consume you again. You lose focus of your diaglouing, and as soon as that happens, the reality of what brought you to Retrouvaille to begin with, is at the front of your mind.

So... said friend and I are meeting for Coffee tonight. She is struggling. I am struggling. Not the way you may be thinking, but trying to get back to real life, and find the level ground I had prior to DDay is difficult. I want to run again. I want to sleep again, I want to laugh again. I want to not have to rely on meds. I want to not have to worry when I leave the house alone. I want to trust 100% and most importantly, I want to forgive and work on the reason we ended up where we did. So does she. She is struggling with the same problems, and she gets it.

I am ever grateful for programs such as Retrouvaille. They remind us that we are NOT the only couple who has and is or will be struggling. I am SURE many of my friends alone have been or are in the same position, but don't say anything. Maybe exposing my personal life is too much for some, but for me? It's part of my lifeline.  And I know, someday in the future, that lifeline, will be a line for another couple struggling. I am sad that it happened to me, DEVASTATED that it happened to me, but relieved if I can help someone else in the future. As our last meeting topic said it best - "unshared pain is wasted pain"

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my best friends death.I could go on and on for hours talking about Jennifer and how much I miss her. I won't though today. I know she is helping me, holding me up and waiting to hug me again just as much as I am her. I love and miss you every single day Jennifer Lynn.