Triggers

Hubby's work truck broke down 2 days ago. Bad enough, that it's going to be out of commission for a couple of days until they figure something out, so he's pulling flatbed for now. Which is fine. This is a huge trigger for me though.The last time his truck broke down to this degree, it was December. December 18th to be exact. He didn't have to work, because there wasn't enough for him to pull flatbed, so he stayed home. Then sent me a text saying that they needed a specific part for the truck, and asked Mike to drive out to Tonawanda to pick it up for them. Odd, But Ok. I seriously thought nothing of it at all. A few hours later he called to tell me that he went to Tim Horton's while he was out there, and the drive thru lane was too long, so he went in to order, while he was there, he ran into a gal he used to teach religion with, so they sat down and had coffee together. Why did he feel the need to tell me this piece of info? Because my dad's wife, Cheryl, my stepmother, saw him. With another women. NOW I know all of that was a lie. I was being played, I was a fool and gullible as can be, because I trusted my husband with my whole heart. Trusted that he would never lie to me, so dumb little me, believed every single word out of his mouth. Even a week later on Christmas eve when Cheryl mentioned it to me about Mike being with someone else, I still never thought in a million years that my husband would cheat on me. Idiot that I am, didn't see it, even when Cheryl clearly did. She saw it clear enough that she even called my dad that day and told him. If only I was able to read through the lines then. Although. Really, would it change things now? He was already cheating with HER. He had already had an emotional affair with someone else by that time. He had already kissed her, so in reality, It wouldn't have stopped the hurt or the pain. BUT I would have known a month sooner. I wouldn't have been played as long. Everything happens for reasons. There are reasons why it did the way it did, for which I am grateful. 

Anyway, the point being -  when something as simple as his truck breaking down, which is a simple meaningless nothing to him, Brings me right back to the "real" reality of what has happened to us. Reminds me that my heart still hurts and breaks and brings tears to my eyes. Somedays, most days actually, all is really well, but there are those moments, that remind me, Kym, You ARE only 3 months out from DDay, give yourself time to heal. It's Ok to be sad and upset, and it's OK to have triggers. 

Fit Bit!

I have been wanting and wanting some sort of small device to track my steps etc for a long time now. After much research, and asking the IG community. The Zip seemed like the best way to go. Well... We learned this weekend as well, that with my employer discount, we get 25% all accessories at Verizon. Well... Did you know they sell FIT BITS at verizon??? Who would think?! SO!!! I was able to get  $14 off this awesome little thing yesterday! You have no idea how excited I was. 

I bought it on my lunch break. Went back to work and put it on at around 1:00pm, Look at how many steps I ended up taking just from 1pm until bedtime at 10 pm!? 

I was pretty darn excited. LOL 

Bummed I woke up this morning though and it didn't re-set my steps to 0. Blah! Apparently I had to sync it to my computer and set my time up first. WELL, I can't do that at work, and I didn't feel like lugging the lap top around last night, SO, it never got Sync(ed) which means, I'll just aim for 20310 steps to know I met my goal today! LOL 

April 22nd

I struggled bit time during this run. I DID NOT want to go. It took me a good 35+ minutes to convince myself to get off my butt and get moving. After wards though? I was really glad that I did it and felt great. Those are best workout times ever!!

 And here is sweaty me after a good workout! It really did end up being good! Countdown is on for that 1/2! Yes, I still have like 10 more miles per run to get in, I know, I know......

April 23rd

I ran with Mike tonight. It was nice. But rough. Does that make sense? Nope, I didn't think so. Here's the thing. Most of the time, I am great. I feel better etc, but there are days, where is hits me like a freight train what has happened. This past weekend, our daughter was a model in a fashion show. One of the other models, shared the same name as HER. You know who her is. That name, is a huge trigger for me. Huge. SO for 3 hours on Sunday, All I had to hear over and over and over again was that name. I blocked it out as much as I could, I thought I did a good job of it. BUT somewhere in the back of my mind, I failed I guess, because this whole thing has been on the front of mind for a couple days now, and the only reason I can think of is the trigger. 

While I was running yesterday, it was HORRIBLE. I was crying my eyes, sobbing. hiding my face so he wouldn't see me blubbering while running. When the intervals were complete, It was harder to hide, since he stood next to me. He asked me a question and I couldn't answer, because I was choked up too much. It hurts that much still. My heart still hurts. Even when I think it won't anymore, it does. And that part of this I hate the most. He wants it to be over. I don't blame him, But something tells me that triggers will set me up for pain for a while to come. Know what else I did? I had to change the hotel we were planning on staying for the 1/2 in August. The room I originally booked, I did so 2 days before I found out. Which meant he was with her then. I couldn't face walking into that hotel, knowing when we made that decision together, that I was not the only one he was discussing things with. She probably knew the hotel we would be at. I just can't face any choices that were made in that time frame and am redoing everything that was done then. I want nothing to relate me and my marriage to her and my husband. He belongs to ME, and those choices belong to US. 

So.. other then my breakdown via running, we had a decent run.. Mike can run like it's the easiest thing in the world. I am quite jealous. The weather was perfect and I didn't struggle any more then usual. Those are the best runs ever. 

 

April 17th workout

Yesterday, I met a friend from Retrouvaille for a walk, instead of coffee (go us!) We had an awesome walk. I was glad that I didn't have to run and disappoint myself again. I hate having high hopes and then not panning out as pictures. So we walked around Como Lake Park, a local park out here. It was a great night for it. We walked quick, so our heart rates got up there! And as you can see, we walked a 15 min, mile, which isnt' too bad. 

I'd like to get out and run this evening. Today is beautiful outside, of course I am stuck in work until after 4, then by the time I get the boys settled at home it will be 7 before I get back outside. But it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow, and go back to the 40's. So it's my perfect opportunity to go run this evening, then have to do some sort of strength tomorrow night. DO IT KYM. I hate when it comes to strength. I just can't get into it on my own, but I know it's just as important for training for a half as running is. so do it darn it!! 

ME

Alright, not the greatest picture of me, BUT I am not one of those people who take pictures of themselves in the mirror often, so I don't exactly know how to do it. LOL Plus, I was worried someone would walk in on me and wonder what the heck?? (this is the bathroom at work)  I thought since I need to get gung ho on getting out there, I should start with a before picture. So, here's all of Me, Kym, 257.2 lbs. Taken today 4/18/13 blah.