April 23rd

I ran with Mike tonight. It was nice. But rough. Does that make sense? Nope, I didn't think so. Here's the thing. Most of the time, I am great. I feel better etc, but there are days, where is hits me like a freight train what has happened. This past weekend, our daughter was a model in a fashion show. One of the other models, shared the same name as HER. You know who her is. That name, is a huge trigger for me. Huge. SO for 3 hours on Sunday, All I had to hear over and over and over again was that name. I blocked it out as much as I could, I thought I did a good job of it. BUT somewhere in the back of my mind, I failed I guess, because this whole thing has been on the front of mind for a couple days now, and the only reason I can think of is the trigger. 

While I was running yesterday, it was HORRIBLE. I was crying my eyes, sobbing. hiding my face so he wouldn't see me blubbering while running. When the intervals were complete, It was harder to hide, since he stood next to me. He asked me a question and I couldn't answer, because I was choked up too much. It hurts that much still. My heart still hurts. Even when I think it won't anymore, it does. And that part of this I hate the most. He wants it to be over. I don't blame him, But something tells me that triggers will set me up for pain for a while to come. Know what else I did? I had to change the hotel we were planning on staying for the 1/2 in August. The room I originally booked, I did so 2 days before I found out. Which meant he was with her then. I couldn't face walking into that hotel, knowing when we made that decision together, that I was not the only one he was discussing things with. She probably knew the hotel we would be at. I just can't face any choices that were made in that time frame and am redoing everything that was done then. I want nothing to relate me and my marriage to her and my husband. He belongs to ME, and those choices belong to US. 

So.. other then my breakdown via running, we had a decent run.. Mike can run like it's the easiest thing in the world. I am quite jealous. The weather was perfect and I didn't struggle any more then usual. Those are the best runs ever.