Oye. Do you see that 1/2 Marathon ticker up there at the top? Yea... I am scared to death of it right now! I haven't ran since the Day I my life changed. that's been just over 2 months now. Depression doesn't just effect your mind, it really really takes a toll on your body too. It hurts, and whoever says that it doesn't physically, mentally, emotionally hurt, has NEVER truly been in a depression. Anyway - I haven't had any desire to do much of anything since that day. Thankfully, with therapy and a few med adjustments, I am starting to smile more, have more energy, sleep a little bit more, and actually think about running again. I haven't thought about it since that day. I HATE THAT DAY.

So, my 1/2 is in essentially 18 weeks. I was doing great training before life happened. I was running a decent amount of time intervals. Yesterday, I decided I need to get back on track, or I am pretty much screwed and will die in August. SO I goggled some 1/2 training plans. Most of them however, require you to already be running at 30 full minutes  I however, am no longer there. I did find one though  that is 19 weeks long, one week shy of the race. By week 15 it has you running 14 miles for your long run one day a week. So, since I am not running 30 minutes yet, I am hoping I can add a couple "play" weeks in here of the Couch to 10K to get endurance built back up then switch over to this plan. If I start next Monday, which is April 1st, Do 4 weeks of 10K training  then move over here, 15 weeks, which is the first long run, will be me 2 weeks before race day. It's a long shot, but I think it might be doable. Well, actually, it's going to have to be doable, there is no other option to the matter. I've paid my fee, I've reserved my hotel room and I've taken the time off of work. I'd be dumb to not get my butt in gear.

So .. the time has come.. to KICK depressions behind. I am going to forget how much that day has taken me away from who I am. I am going to find ME again. And gosh darn it, I am going to RUN that 1/2 in August.

In the mean time. Can you please pray for me? I still continue to need god's guidance. Not only in this matter, but in every day life. It's not easy, but I try my best. Someday I can even go a whole day without thinking that IT happened  Of course, I am then thrown back into reality, but the fact that it's not my first waking thought it a good thing. Please pray for me... And for him. For us, as a couple, who is struggling to find our feet on ground again.

The First Weekend

Going into this weekend, it is the First Weekend. The FIRST {normal life} weekend, since I found out. It's been 2 months and 3 days. And this is the first weekend, that has not been Retrouvaille related, albeit it the 3 day weekend, the 6 weeks of post sessions, or our first CORE last weekend. I almost feel lost. Lonely. Like my lifeline has a little bit of extra slack in it and I am not sure I like it not pulled taught. We have plans this weekend, nothing huge really. Just our sons Pinewood derby tomorrow morning  And an Easter event with the kids and friends tomorrow afternoon, but, it's the first weekend, that our  marriage isn't the #1 topic. And in reality, it won't be again until April 20th. That's forever away. Can I make it that far? Do I have the strength to overcome this without that weekly lifeline? I hope so. I know that if I ask, God will be RIGHT here to carry me again. He's been holding my hand occasionally, but I haven't asked to be carried in a couple of weeks now. That means I am in a somewhat better place. 

I've spent the past 8 weeks, the darkest 8 weeks of my life, with complete strangers, turned friends, turned people who has shared my worst days with me. People who understand my feelings and what I am going through  and know the hard work I am putting in to correct and make this better. Because they too, are fighting the same uphill battle. I will miss them this weekend. I will miss the security of Retrouvaille. The feeling of safety. 

Maybe I should go for a walk or run this weekend............. Let's remember WHO I really was before January 19th 2013 and am I still in there?? 

Sometimes, we hurt those we love the most.

I am going to continue to believe this. Believe that there is still Love. I am told there is, but it's up to me to truly believe in those words. So I am going to believe that Yes, I am loved, because I was hurt.