40 Day Mark

Today Marks the 40th day since my life has been forever changed. Today is the FIRST day, that I've been able to sit at work without horrible chest pains, serious anxiety and without fear. I think maybe somewhere over the past few days, my heart has opened itself up to trusting again. I haven't had the urge to go look through his emails, or call logs from work. I haven't felt the need to go through the cell phone bill (which BTW, I did yesterday, and it was completely devastating. I was so beyond played. Even if it is over, It STILL hurts to look at and think back)  I haven't felt like I needed to pull up his Google internet searches for the day. I was also able to get a full 3 hours of sleep last night. It the longest stretch of time that I've managed in 40 days.

I also met a new counselor though my EAP yesterday. Kristie was wonderful. I left there, not upset as I did with the other guy on Friday. I didn't feel my heart breaking more when I left, I just felt, fine. I've learned since seeing that other guy, that I should never leave a therapy session feeling worse then I did walking in.

I've come to the conclusion that the past is the past. It's over (from what I know) it's done with. I can't change it anymore then he can. He will always be guilty of what he did to me. I will always hold him 100% accountable for doing it and I will always be the one who was hurt and blind sided in the end. But I have to move forward. I don't want to know any other information. I don't ever want to say or hear her name. She is HER to me and always will be until the day I die. Someday I am confident that I will be able to drive past those 2 Tim Hortons, or those bars without having a panic attack. Sure it might take time, but I am hoping it will come, in that time.

I have ALOT of healing to do. I have alot of learning to do. I have a lot of work to do, on me, on my family and on my relationship with my husband and our marriage. In the end I want us to be a stronger unit then we were when we said our vows 9.5 years ago.

I have firmly believed always that life happens as it does for reasons. Within the FIRST 24 hours of finding out what he did, I was still believing that. God may not have led my husband to do what he did, but he DID play a hand is bringing me to where I am right now. I would NOT be thus far, had those first 24 hours and first week not happened as they did. As I sat in church last night, listening to the gospel, I was reminded of that.I know that I am not walking through this alone. I know there is a greater being helping me along, holding my hand, and carrying me when I need it. Rubbing my back when I am crying and leading me to where I need to be, when I feel as if I can't move further.

Ultimately, I want my husband back. NOT the man I've apparently been living with for the past year. I want the man I married. Although, I've never stopped loving any bit of him, I don't know who the person I've been living with was. It might take more time since our kids still need to be our first focus, but I am willing to invest whatever time I need to invest. I am willing to do what I need to do. I hope he is too. I want nothing more then to grow old with the man I married 9.5 years.