Oye. Do you see that 1/2 Marathon ticker up there at the top? Yea... I am scared to death of it right now! I haven't ran since the Day I my life changed. that's been just over 2 months now. Depression doesn't just effect your mind, it really really takes a toll on your body too. It hurts, and whoever says that it doesn't physically, mentally, emotionally hurt, has NEVER truly been in a depression. Anyway - I haven't had any desire to do much of anything since that day. Thankfully, with therapy and a few med adjustments, I am starting to smile more, have more energy, sleep a little bit more, and actually think about running again. I haven't thought about it since that day. I HATE THAT DAY.

So, my 1/2 is in essentially 18 weeks. I was doing great training before life happened. I was running a decent amount of time intervals. Yesterday, I decided I need to get back on track, or I am pretty much screwed and will die in August. SO I goggled some 1/2 training plans. Most of them however, require you to already be running at 30 full minutes  I however, am no longer there. I did find one though  that is 19 weeks long, one week shy of the race. By week 15 it has you running 14 miles for your long run one day a week. So, since I am not running 30 minutes yet, I am hoping I can add a couple "play" weeks in here of the Couch to 10K to get endurance built back up then switch over to this plan. If I start next Monday, which is April 1st, Do 4 weeks of 10K training  then move over here, 15 weeks, which is the first long run, will be me 2 weeks before race day. It's a long shot, but I think it might be doable. Well, actually, it's going to have to be doable, there is no other option to the matter. I've paid my fee, I've reserved my hotel room and I've taken the time off of work. I'd be dumb to not get my butt in gear.

So .. the time has come.. to KICK depressions behind. I am going to forget how much that day has taken me away from who I am. I am going to find ME again. And gosh darn it, I am going to RUN that 1/2 in August.

In the mean time. Can you please pray for me? I still continue to need god's guidance. Not only in this matter, but in every day life. It's not easy, but I try my best. Someday I can even go a whole day without thinking that IT happened  Of course, I am then thrown back into reality, but the fact that it's not my first waking thought it a good thing. Please pray for me... And for him. For us, as a couple, who is struggling to find our feet on ground again.

The First Weekend

Going into this weekend, it is the First Weekend. The FIRST {normal life} weekend, since I found out. It's been 2 months and 3 days. And this is the first weekend, that has not been Retrouvaille related, albeit it the 3 day weekend, the 6 weeks of post sessions, or our first CORE last weekend. I almost feel lost. Lonely. Like my lifeline has a little bit of extra slack in it and I am not sure I like it not pulled taught. We have plans this weekend, nothing huge really. Just our sons Pinewood derby tomorrow morning  And an Easter event with the kids and friends tomorrow afternoon, but, it's the first weekend, that our  marriage isn't the #1 topic. And in reality, it won't be again until April 20th. That's forever away. Can I make it that far? Do I have the strength to overcome this without that weekly lifeline? I hope so. I know that if I ask, God will be RIGHT here to carry me again. He's been holding my hand occasionally, but I haven't asked to be carried in a couple of weeks now. That means I am in a somewhat better place. 

I've spent the past 8 weeks, the darkest 8 weeks of my life, with complete strangers, turned friends, turned people who has shared my worst days with me. People who understand my feelings and what I am going through  and know the hard work I am putting in to correct and make this better. Because they too, are fighting the same uphill battle. I will miss them this weekend. I will miss the security of Retrouvaille. The feeling of safety. 

Maybe I should go for a walk or run this weekend............. Let's remember WHO I really was before January 19th 2013 and am I still in there?? 

Sometimes, we hurt those we love the most.

I am going to continue to believe this. Believe that there is still Love. I am told there is, but it's up to me to truly believe in those words. So I am going to believe that Yes, I am loved, because I was hurt. 

40 Day Mark

Today Marks the 40th day since my life has been forever changed. Today is the FIRST day, that I've been able to sit at work without horrible chest pains, serious anxiety and without fear. I think maybe somewhere over the past few days, my heart has opened itself up to trusting again. I haven't had the urge to go look through his emails, or call logs from work. I haven't felt the need to go through the cell phone bill (which BTW, I did yesterday, and it was completely devastating. I was so beyond played. Even if it is over, It STILL hurts to look at and think back)  I haven't felt like I needed to pull up his Google internet searches for the day. I was also able to get a full 3 hours of sleep last night. It the longest stretch of time that I've managed in 40 days.

I also met a new counselor though my EAP yesterday. Kristie was wonderful. I left there, not upset as I did with the other guy on Friday. I didn't feel my heart breaking more when I left, I just felt, fine. I've learned since seeing that other guy, that I should never leave a therapy session feeling worse then I did walking in.

I've come to the conclusion that the past is the past. It's over (from what I know) it's done with. I can't change it anymore then he can. He will always be guilty of what he did to me. I will always hold him 100% accountable for doing it and I will always be the one who was hurt and blind sided in the end. But I have to move forward. I don't want to know any other information. I don't ever want to say or hear her name. She is HER to me and always will be until the day I die. Someday I am confident that I will be able to drive past those 2 Tim Hortons, or those bars without having a panic attack. Sure it might take time, but I am hoping it will come, in that time.

I have ALOT of healing to do. I have alot of learning to do. I have a lot of work to do, on me, on my family and on my relationship with my husband and our marriage. In the end I want us to be a stronger unit then we were when we said our vows 9.5 years ago.

I have firmly believed always that life happens as it does for reasons. Within the FIRST 24 hours of finding out what he did, I was still believing that. God may not have led my husband to do what he did, but he DID play a hand is bringing me to where I am right now. I would NOT be thus far, had those first 24 hours and first week not happened as they did. As I sat in church last night, listening to the gospel, I was reminded of that.I know that I am not walking through this alone. I know there is a greater being helping me along, holding my hand, and carrying me when I need it. Rubbing my back when I am crying and leading me to where I need to be, when I feel as if I can't move further.

Ultimately, I want my husband back. NOT the man I've apparently been living with for the past year. I want the man I married. Although, I've never stopped loving any bit of him, I don't know who the person I've been living with was. It might take more time since our kids still need to be our first focus, but I am willing to invest whatever time I need to invest. I am willing to do what I need to do. I hope he is too. I want nothing more then to grow old with the man I married 9.5 years.

Forever's As Far As I'll Go

My Wedding song. When your getting married, picking that one song, is SUCH an important task. You have to really find something that fits your relationship. Early on into Dating my husband, He gave me a tape (because then that is what we had :) ) Of Alabama's song, Forever's As Far As I'll Go. He's never been one to show any emotion or feelings, so by him giving this to me, it showed me what he really felt. When we got engaged, it was only natural to pick the one song that showed our true feeling towards one another. The words were SO our life!! 

After your married, you'll hear that song a few times here and there, or if your like us, and pick an older song like we did, you'll never hear it again. We have NEVER heard it. In fact, we had to buy the CD for the DJ at our wedding because he too, had never heard the song before. With my life in it's current upheaval and trying to work through all of these problems, this morning on my way to work, I had the urge to hear this song. Thankfully, in the world of smart phones, I didn't have to go buy the CD again, just Google it! So I found it and listened to it over and over. WOW, I didn't realize then how very powerful the words in the song are. Or maybe they are to me right now, because I am so vulnerable. To imagine that I was loved as those words say just 10 years ago... is crazy to think. I hope more then anything, that those powerful words, and the feelings that come along with them, come back to him someday. I am not the person who fell out of love. I am not the person who thought things were bad. I'll do anything to have Forever a part of my life again. 

God, I am trying. I know he is trying. Please help me to not push him away again. To help him remember that at one point in time, his love for me WAS that important to him, and to me. Continue to guide us and love us, and carry us through this hard time. I know we can't overcome without your love, guidance and support. 

Amen.

Forever's As Far As I'll Go

I'll admit I could feel it

The first time that we touched

The look in your eyes

Said you felt as much

But Iam not a man

who falls so easily

it's best that you know 

Where you stand with me

I will give you my heart

Faithful and true

And all the love that it can hold

That's all I can do

But I've thought about

how long I'll love you

And it's only fair that you know

Forever's as far as I'll go. 

When there's age around my eyes

and gray in your hair

And it only takes a touch to recall 

the love we've shared

I won't take for granted 

that you know my love it true

Each night in your arms

I will whisper to you

I will give you my heart

faithful and true

And all the love it can hold

that's all I can do

But I've thought about

How long i'll love you

and it's only fair that you know

Forever's as far as I'll go......

I am lost

Through all of this the thing I am most sad about? The fact that I've lost who I AM. It takes years to build yourself up as a person after childhood and adolescent and young adult years. As a teenager, I had NO self esteem. I was always a bit bigger, and didn't have a whole lot of friends. I had my good solid group of friends and I was ok with that. But My confidence and self esteem were pretty null. I always found myself apologizing and saying sorry for everything in life. Looking back, as an adult and reconnecting with some people who knew me during this time, it was my low self esteem and lack of confidence in every thing I did that make me act the way I did.

Obviously since then, I've grown up. I got pregnant at 19 and had a child that I basically raised on my own by the age of 20. I grew up fast, and strong, because I had no one else to help me out. It was me and her and darn it, we would survive it. A couple years later, I met my husband, got married, traveled lots, had our boys,  SURVIVED PPD, not once but twice and have become a mom of 3. A now teenager daughter and 2 special needs little boys on the Autism spectrum. My confidence has blossomed SO much over the years. I was happy with my life. I loved the man I married. I was a good mom. An involved mom and a GREAT advocate for my special needs boys.

Then I woke up one day, and my world was shattered apart. Not just broke a little bit, It was shattered in all those tiny little slivers of glass, you find days, months and years later in the oddest of places. Knowing the depth of disrespect given to me, and the amount of betrayal that went on for so long, put me RIGHT back to those teenager years. I have no idea who I am. I have NO self esteem for myself. I have NO confidence in anything I say or do. I can't read books anymore, because it hurts to read somehow. I can't sleep at night because my insides are a dam mess. I can't run. I love to run, I can't run, because I don't have the confidence in myself to be able to do it anymore.(and I am supposed to be running a 1/2 marathon in less then 6 months!)  I am a failure to myself. I blame myself for everything that has and is happening, and all over again, ALL i do is say sorry. Just like I did when I was 16. I am NOT that person, and I never wanted to see that person again. I don't like her. I don't want to be her, but I don't know how to fix myself to become that strong happy person anymore either. How is THIS what my life has become? I am numb most of the time, and when the numbness goes away, my raw feelings come out, and then I spend the rest of that time crying. I say all the wrong things, do all the wrong things and can't find positives in much anymore and I can't stand it. I am NOT a negative person. I am optimistic. I am confident! So where is that KYM?? I need her so badly to come back. I am not sure I can overcome what needs to be overcame unless I have her strength and confidence to push me through. This sucks. I have NO normal. I have no idea what my evenings or weekends will consist of. I've never worried about any of that before. I can't focus when I am at work OR when I am at home. I fail at most things I try to do, even when I think I am trying my best. The only thing I want to do, is go to church and sit there for hours. I want to pray. I want to ask god to make all of this go away. Bring ME back from the darkness that has covered me. I don't like it here. I want my family back. I want my husband back. Most of all, I want myself back. I am lost, and I don't know how to find my way back home.

Understanding Forgiveness

So when we believe that someone has "done me wrong", we have judged that person, we have condemned then. The prophecy may home no effect on them who it was it was directed to, but, it does have a significant effect on us, by this prophecy we have proclaimed ourselves judge, jury and executioner. Forgiveness is the only way out. 

This is the real power of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness offers opportunity to free the world from our own condemnation of it. Forgiveness frees us from the world and the people that we have condemned by our judgement again them. As we have judged/condemned then, we have judged and condemned ourselves as well. 

it takes time for find forgiveness in our heart after such great pain and grief is thrust on us by this great betrayal. It takes time to sort things out in our minds before we can forgive, but when we do, it's like a gift to ourselves.