I am lost

Through all of this the thing I am most sad about? The fact that I've lost who I AM. It takes years to build yourself up as a person after childhood and adolescent and young adult years. As a teenager, I had NO self esteem. I was always a bit bigger, and didn't have a whole lot of friends. I had my good solid group of friends and I was ok with that. But My confidence and self esteem were pretty null. I always found myself apologizing and saying sorry for everything in life. Looking back, as an adult and reconnecting with some people who knew me during this time, it was my low self esteem and lack of confidence in every thing I did that make me act the way I did.

Obviously since then, I've grown up. I got pregnant at 19 and had a child that I basically raised on my own by the age of 20. I grew up fast, and strong, because I had no one else to help me out. It was me and her and darn it, we would survive it. A couple years later, I met my husband, got married, traveled lots, had our boys,  SURVIVED PPD, not once but twice and have become a mom of 3. A now teenager daughter and 2 special needs little boys on the Autism spectrum. My confidence has blossomed SO much over the years. I was happy with my life. I loved the man I married. I was a good mom. An involved mom and a GREAT advocate for my special needs boys.

Then I woke up one day, and my world was shattered apart. Not just broke a little bit, It was shattered in all those tiny little slivers of glass, you find days, months and years later in the oddest of places. Knowing the depth of disrespect given to me, and the amount of betrayal that went on for so long, put me RIGHT back to those teenager years. I have no idea who I am. I have NO self esteem for myself. I have NO confidence in anything I say or do. I can't read books anymore, because it hurts to read somehow. I can't sleep at night because my insides are a dam mess. I can't run. I love to run, I can't run, because I don't have the confidence in myself to be able to do it anymore.(and I am supposed to be running a 1/2 marathon in less then 6 months!)  I am a failure to myself. I blame myself for everything that has and is happening, and all over again, ALL i do is say sorry. Just like I did when I was 16. I am NOT that person, and I never wanted to see that person again. I don't like her. I don't want to be her, but I don't know how to fix myself to become that strong happy person anymore either. How is THIS what my life has become? I am numb most of the time, and when the numbness goes away, my raw feelings come out, and then I spend the rest of that time crying. I say all the wrong things, do all the wrong things and can't find positives in much anymore and I can't stand it. I am NOT a negative person. I am optimistic. I am confident! So where is that KYM?? I need her so badly to come back. I am not sure I can overcome what needs to be overcame unless I have her strength and confidence to push me through. This sucks. I have NO normal. I have no idea what my evenings or weekends will consist of. I've never worried about any of that before. I can't focus when I am at work OR when I am at home. I fail at most things I try to do, even when I think I am trying my best. The only thing I want to do, is go to church and sit there for hours. I want to pray. I want to ask god to make all of this go away. Bring ME back from the darkness that has covered me. I don't like it here. I want my family back. I want my husband back. Most of all, I want myself back. I am lost, and I don't know how to find my way back home.