April 25th

I hate that I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. Now that I have something tracking me, I feel like I do NOTHING all day long. No wonder I weigh closer to 300lbs then I do to 200lbs! Anyway, I sat at work all day yesterday. Then, I was meeting my dad at 7pm for a special showing of the Star Trek special feature, The Best of Both Worlds. Yes, we are dorks. LOL My dad LOVED star trek. Still does. I hated it when I was young, then the next generation came out, and it was better, then Will Wheaton came on to the show, and who doesn't like a cute teenager when your a teen?? So I got hooked. My dad and I even went to star trek conventions when they would come to buffalo! Pathetic I know. So when my dad invited me to this special showing, I was excited. And, I enjoyed it. LOL I get the story lines now, when I was young, they meant nothing to me. So they did interviews with the cast, then showed the 2 episodes, then did bloopers and even a special preview of the new season 4 that is coming out on blue ray this summer. So,, sorry about that long story, but I had yet another 2 hours to sit, when the heck would I get my steps in??

Well, I got home from work at 4:35, I needed to shower by 5:30 so I could leave the house by 6 or so. so at 4:53, Mike pulled in the driveway, and I ran out of it. I was frustrated, because my GPS wasn't working really well. I couldn't get my running program to work AT ALL. then my music wouldn't continue playing, it would freeze after every song. ugh. I hate runs like this. So in the end, I did intervals, on my own, judging my mailboxes, or trees etc and no music for motivation. I guess I didn't do horrible though. In the end of the night, at bedtime here were my results. 

 I did a total of 4.45 miles over the entire day. I am sure 2 if not more (I need to go map that route I think) were from the walk/run after work, and A good 4000+ steps were from that as well.  AND I managed to get home from the run at 5:23, get in the shower, and was dressed and ready to go before 6pm, so I got to hang out with Colin for a bit while Caden and daddy were outside cutting the grass!! Wahoo!! 

 

Triggers

Hubby's work truck broke down 2 days ago. Bad enough, that it's going to be out of commission for a couple of days until they figure something out, so he's pulling flatbed for now. Which is fine. This is a huge trigger for me though.The last time his truck broke down to this degree, it was December. December 18th to be exact. He didn't have to work, because there wasn't enough for him to pull flatbed, so he stayed home. Then sent me a text saying that they needed a specific part for the truck, and asked Mike to drive out to Tonawanda to pick it up for them. Odd, But Ok. I seriously thought nothing of it at all. A few hours later he called to tell me that he went to Tim Horton's while he was out there, and the drive thru lane was too long, so he went in to order, while he was there, he ran into a gal he used to teach religion with, so they sat down and had coffee together. Why did he feel the need to tell me this piece of info? Because my dad's wife, Cheryl, my stepmother, saw him. With another women. NOW I know all of that was a lie. I was being played, I was a fool and gullible as can be, because I trusted my husband with my whole heart. Trusted that he would never lie to me, so dumb little me, believed every single word out of his mouth. Even a week later on Christmas eve when Cheryl mentioned it to me about Mike being with someone else, I still never thought in a million years that my husband would cheat on me. Idiot that I am, didn't see it, even when Cheryl clearly did. She saw it clear enough that she even called my dad that day and told him. If only I was able to read through the lines then. Although. Really, would it change things now? He was already cheating with HER. He had already had an emotional affair with someone else by that time. He had already kissed her, so in reality, It wouldn't have stopped the hurt or the pain. BUT I would have known a month sooner. I wouldn't have been played as long. Everything happens for reasons. There are reasons why it did the way it did, for which I am grateful. 

Anyway, the point being -  when something as simple as his truck breaking down, which is a simple meaningless nothing to him, Brings me right back to the "real" reality of what has happened to us. Reminds me that my heart still hurts and breaks and brings tears to my eyes. Somedays, most days actually, all is really well, but there are those moments, that remind me, Kym, You ARE only 3 months out from DDay, give yourself time to heal. It's Ok to be sad and upset, and it's OK to have triggers. 

Fit Bit!

I have been wanting and wanting some sort of small device to track my steps etc for a long time now. After much research, and asking the IG community. The Zip seemed like the best way to go. Well... We learned this weekend as well, that with my employer discount, we get 25% all accessories at Verizon. Well... Did you know they sell FIT BITS at verizon??? Who would think?! SO!!! I was able to get  $14 off this awesome little thing yesterday! You have no idea how excited I was. 

I bought it on my lunch break. Went back to work and put it on at around 1:00pm, Look at how many steps I ended up taking just from 1pm until bedtime at 10 pm!? 

I was pretty darn excited. LOL 

Bummed I woke up this morning though and it didn't re-set my steps to 0. Blah! Apparently I had to sync it to my computer and set my time up first. WELL, I can't do that at work, and I didn't feel like lugging the lap top around last night, SO, it never got Sync(ed) which means, I'll just aim for 20310 steps to know I met my goal today! LOL 

April 22nd

I struggled bit time during this run. I DID NOT want to go. It took me a good 35+ minutes to convince myself to get off my butt and get moving. After wards though? I was really glad that I did it and felt great. Those are best workout times ever!!

 And here is sweaty me after a good workout! It really did end up being good! Countdown is on for that 1/2! Yes, I still have like 10 more miles per run to get in, I know, I know......

April 23rd

I ran with Mike tonight. It was nice. But rough. Does that make sense? Nope, I didn't think so. Here's the thing. Most of the time, I am great. I feel better etc, but there are days, where is hits me like a freight train what has happened. This past weekend, our daughter was a model in a fashion show. One of the other models, shared the same name as HER. You know who her is. That name, is a huge trigger for me. Huge. SO for 3 hours on Sunday, All I had to hear over and over and over again was that name. I blocked it out as much as I could, I thought I did a good job of it. BUT somewhere in the back of my mind, I failed I guess, because this whole thing has been on the front of mind for a couple days now, and the only reason I can think of is the trigger. 

While I was running yesterday, it was HORRIBLE. I was crying my eyes, sobbing. hiding my face so he wouldn't see me blubbering while running. When the intervals were complete, It was harder to hide, since he stood next to me. He asked me a question and I couldn't answer, because I was choked up too much. It hurts that much still. My heart still hurts. Even when I think it won't anymore, it does. And that part of this I hate the most. He wants it to be over. I don't blame him, But something tells me that triggers will set me up for pain for a while to come. Know what else I did? I had to change the hotel we were planning on staying for the 1/2 in August. The room I originally booked, I did so 2 days before I found out. Which meant he was with her then. I couldn't face walking into that hotel, knowing when we made that decision together, that I was not the only one he was discussing things with. She probably knew the hotel we would be at. I just can't face any choices that were made in that time frame and am redoing everything that was done then. I want nothing to relate me and my marriage to her and my husband. He belongs to ME, and those choices belong to US. 

So.. other then my breakdown via running, we had a decent run.. Mike can run like it's the easiest thing in the world. I am quite jealous. The weather was perfect and I didn't struggle any more then usual. Those are the best runs ever. 

 

April 17th workout

Yesterday, I met a friend from Retrouvaille for a walk, instead of coffee (go us!) We had an awesome walk. I was glad that I didn't have to run and disappoint myself again. I hate having high hopes and then not panning out as pictures. So we walked around Como Lake Park, a local park out here. It was a great night for it. We walked quick, so our heart rates got up there! And as you can see, we walked a 15 min, mile, which isnt' too bad. 

I'd like to get out and run this evening. Today is beautiful outside, of course I am stuck in work until after 4, then by the time I get the boys settled at home it will be 7 before I get back outside. But it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow, and go back to the 40's. So it's my perfect opportunity to go run this evening, then have to do some sort of strength tomorrow night. DO IT KYM. I hate when it comes to strength. I just can't get into it on my own, but I know it's just as important for training for a half as running is. so do it darn it!! 

ME

Alright, not the greatest picture of me, BUT I am not one of those people who take pictures of themselves in the mirror often, so I don't exactly know how to do it. LOL Plus, I was worried someone would walk in on me and wonder what the heck?? (this is the bathroom at work)  I thought since I need to get gung ho on getting out there, I should start with a before picture. So, here's all of Me, Kym, 257.2 lbs. Taken today 4/18/13 blah.  

Now I am freaking out.

I think now would be a good time to start panicking. 13 miles.... Um.. What the H$$$ was I thinking??? Seriously, I don't now that I can do this. that is FAR. It's the WHOLE DARN STATE PARK! I am nervous. How in the world can I work myself up to running 14 miles (because I want to be able to run one more then need be) when currently I can't even run 1 mile??? Oh lord. Help me. 

Advice... anyone??? Other then, yes, Freak out!

Ok, NOW I just realized today is the 17th, Um.. that means this is EXACTLY 4 MONTHS FROM TODAY. Holy Cow Batman! 

Trying to get back in the Game

I am really trying hard to get back in the game. It's so hard when life knocks you down, to get back up. I feel as if there are weights sitting on top of me as I lay down and can't gain the strength to get back up again. Slowly but surely, I am going to get back up. I've been on the right dosage of meds now for about 7 weeks, and I am feeling more and more like me. Our family dynamic, although still struggling is better. Of course, it will be quite a while for our family to completely, if ever, overcome infidelity. I think that's normal. I also think it's normal for me to have both good and bad days. Our CORE meeting is on Saturday and I am really looking forward to being back with my safety line again. 

Considering my 1/2 is coming closer and closer each breath that I take, I thought Now is the time Kym. DO THIS. Another part of the reason, was the Boston Bombings. What kind of sick psycho did this to us?? Really, it's just horrible. Our children have experienced more acts of terrorism in their short lives, then I ever remember dealing with at their age. So very sad. So, as my heart is breaking for those who passed away because of this act, and those 170+ others who are injured. Some critical, some serious, and some just minor, regardless, they have been put in the center of something that never should have happened. I can't do anymore then pray for all of those involved  and pray that this person, whoever he/she/they are, are caught and punished. To honor those, I got on my shoes, and said, TODAY (well yesterday really) is the day I am going to release that weight. If they can survive that, then I can survive this. 

I was surprised when I turned on my NIKE app and it had been 12 days since my last run/walk. (let's not forget that before that 12 days, it had been Since January 17th, 2 days before my hell began)  So much for that day being my restart huh?? blah.

Yesterday was a crappy rainy, chilly day. 49 degrees and it was almost 7pm, but we have to put mind over matter and stop using excuses. Here goes nothing!! 

.

The RUN SUCKED. Really, it did. it was horrible. I thought I have the C25K program running, when in reality I have the 10K program running. SO my first run, I run well over a block, thinking, this is WAY more then the 60 seconds I should be running. Stopped, checked it out, and yes, it was 10k, which was five 8 min runs. Um.. Not happening. So I went back to the 5K one, but was already frustrated by then. Then the dam phone rang and I missed a running interval  I probably only did 3, not even full intervals, before I gave up and just started walking the rest of the way. I guess anything is better then nothing, so here are my sad, sad starts for the day yesterday. 

A 15 min mile is horrid. 

 And here is me post workout as I am walking into the house. So disappointed in myself :( 

I'll get there again. Although I feel better, I still really miss that confident Kym. Knowing what my future held. 

A Must Post

To realize the value of a sister/brother

Ask someone who doesn't have one

To realize the value of ten years:

Ask a newly divorced couple

To realize the value of four years:

Ask a graduate

To realize the value of one year:

ask a student who has failed a final exam

To realize the value of nine months:

ask a mother who gave birth to a still born

To realize the value of one month:

ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby

To realize the value of one week:

ask an editor of a weekly newspaper

To realize the value of one minute:

ask a person who has a missed the train, bus or plane

To realize the value of one second, 

ask a person who has survived an accident

Time waits for no one

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when you can share with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member, 

Lose one. 

Another Text message this morning. I feel like I have to save them...

4/0/13

Beautiful

Yesterday, I was told {by Mike} That i was beautiful. I can't ever remember a time that he's told me that, or if he has, it was eons (years and years) ago. Sometimes, even if you don't believe those words, it really IS nice to hear them.....

He sent me this text just a bit ago. I am adding it here, because I want to always remember/have it:

I want you to know that I do love and I'm very very sorry for what I've done to you in the past. I really do love you and i'm not just saying that. 

Sent April 8th at 12:05pm

Tonight I am meeting with a friend. A friend, who is going to completely 100% understand everything that I say to her. Because  she too, is living the "after" retrouvaille life. It's hard to separate real life and that life. You want everything to be the perfect retrouvaille way, after all, you did work your behind off for 3 straight days, then 7 weeks after that as well. THEN, all of a sudden, post is over, CORE came and went the first month, and here we are. Just kinda hanging out in a life raft, bobbing up and down with the waves. The thoughts begin to consume you again. You lose focus of your diaglouing, and as soon as that happens, the reality of what brought you to Retrouvaille to begin with, is at the front of your mind.

So... said friend and I are meeting for Coffee tonight. She is struggling. I am struggling. Not the way you may be thinking, but trying to get back to real life, and find the level ground I had prior to DDay is difficult. I want to run again. I want to sleep again, I want to laugh again. I want to not have to rely on meds. I want to not have to worry when I leave the house alone. I want to trust 100% and most importantly, I want to forgive and work on the reason we ended up where we did. So does she. She is struggling with the same problems, and she gets it.

I am ever grateful for programs such as Retrouvaille. They remind us that we are NOT the only couple who has and is or will be struggling. I am SURE many of my friends alone have been or are in the same position, but don't say anything. Maybe exposing my personal life is too much for some, but for me? It's part of my lifeline.  And I know, someday in the future, that lifeline, will be a line for another couple struggling. I am sad that it happened to me, DEVASTATED that it happened to me, but relieved if I can help someone else in the future. As our last meeting topic said it best - "unshared pain is wasted pain"

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my best friends death.I could go on and on for hours talking about Jennifer and how much I miss her. I won't though today. I know she is helping me, holding me up and waiting to hug me again just as much as I am her. I love and miss you every single day Jennifer Lynn.