Tonight I am meeting with a friend. A friend, who is going to completely 100% understand everything that I say to her. Because  she too, is living the "after" retrouvaille life. It's hard to separate real life and that life. You want everything to be the perfect retrouvaille way, after all, you did work your behind off for 3 straight days, then 7 weeks after that as well. THEN, all of a sudden, post is over, CORE came and went the first month, and here we are. Just kinda hanging out in a life raft, bobbing up and down with the waves. The thoughts begin to consume you again. You lose focus of your diaglouing, and as soon as that happens, the reality of what brought you to Retrouvaille to begin with, is at the front of your mind.

So... said friend and I are meeting for Coffee tonight. She is struggling. I am struggling. Not the way you may be thinking, but trying to get back to real life, and find the level ground I had prior to DDay is difficult. I want to run again. I want to sleep again, I want to laugh again. I want to not have to rely on meds. I want to not have to worry when I leave the house alone. I want to trust 100% and most importantly, I want to forgive and work on the reason we ended up where we did. So does she. She is struggling with the same problems, and she gets it.

I am ever grateful for programs such as Retrouvaille. They remind us that we are NOT the only couple who has and is or will be struggling. I am SURE many of my friends alone have been or are in the same position, but don't say anything. Maybe exposing my personal life is too much for some, but for me? It's part of my lifeline.  And I know, someday in the future, that lifeline, will be a line for another couple struggling. I am sad that it happened to me, DEVASTATED that it happened to me, but relieved if I can help someone else in the future. As our last meeting topic said it best - "unshared pain is wasted pain"

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my best friends death.I could go on and on for hours talking about Jennifer and how much I miss her. I won't though today. I know she is helping me, holding me up and waiting to hug me again just as much as I am her. I love and miss you every single day Jennifer Lynn.