Living a Lie

Hindsight is 20/20, pardon my language, but FUCK hindsight. 

Did you ever look back on your life and realize it was all a lie?? I never did. Not until recently. And you know what? IT PLAIN OUT SUCKS. Here I sit, thinking my life/family/world is living it's typical day, day after day after day. Until that world comes crashing down, you never have to second guess anything about it. Now, Here I sit, Looking at pictures from Mid November, until now... Wondering what parts of them were real, and what parts were a lie and I was being played? Actually, In reality, I was being played the entire time. Thanksgiving? A Lie. Christmas Eve? A Lie. Christmas DAY?? A Lie. New Years Eve? Yet another lie, and it reminds me why I was sitting home alone with my sleeping children as well. :(  For gosh sake, 12 days ago, as we sit eating dinner at the kitchen table???? Yep.. you've guessed it. A Lie!!! 

Well dam it. I am TIRED of living a lie. I can't even tell a little white lie. I can't leave work on my desk, because I won't be able to sleep when I go to bed at night. So WHY should I be forced to live in someone else's lie? 

My heart has been broken, my soul torched. And I can't do this on my own

Dear Lord, Please, I beg you, to PLEASE give me the strength to overcome this. To be able to look past the hurt and pain. To learn to trust again. And to be able to forgive. I didn't sign up to live this life, and I need the strength, courage and help of YOU to be able to overcome, because I know I can't do it on my own. I am trying, and failing. Dear god, Please carry me and guide me. Please don't let my children and I suffer from consequences that we didn't choose. I honestly don't ask for much from you. I do pretty well on my own, this time though, I am begging for you to intervene. In your precious name. Amen



January 19th 2013, the day my world was shattered and changed forever.