What have I learned over the past 5/6 days? I've learned that life can change in an instant. You can go to bed one night, telling the person laying next to you that you love them, and wake up the next day, and have NO idea who you are, or more important who that person next to you is. You will NEVER be the same person that you were when you put your head on that pillow Friday night. It's scary. So very scary. 

I've always been a firm believer, that god NEVER gives us more then we can handle, and that he has a plan for us. I've always believed that everything in life happens for a reason. BUT when your life can change SO drastically SO quickly it makes it so very hard to believe this. The Anger that overcomes you, takes over and  you can't see past it. I've never had anger take over me before. Not before Saturday morning. It scared me. Every thought I had, was consumed by anger. Each movement I made was made by anger. I couldn't help but wonder why god lets the devil in to create such chaos on my body. On my heart and soul and my mind.

I woke up Sunday. Well, didn't really wake up, since I never really went to sleep, but got out of bed before 5am, and showered. Got dressed, and left the house before 6am. Got my coffee and drove to church. God wasn't going to let that anger consume me anymore. He was going to help me through it. I enjoy going to church as an adult. Not so much as I child, BUT I never ever, had the urge, I need church now. I had that urge on Sunday. I was at church almost 2 hours before mass began. I sat in the parking lot, googling articles to console my heart and soul and crying my eyes out. I prayed for healing, for the ability to be able to forgive the person who has made me feel this way. I sat in church, and never held back the tears. I let them come freely, I let god work his hands and help me. 

Without God and with out some amazing friends, I am not sure how I would have overcame the pain of this new life. The hurt that it has caused. The heartbreak. But God and my friends have helped me already. They've held me, listened to me, cried with me and supported any and all decisions that I have and will make. I by NO means am better. I am hurt, sad, and scared of what my future and the future of my family holds for us. 

But I have learned how quickly life can change. I'll never take advantage of anything ever again. EVER. I'll also never know if words spoken are those meant for me or not. But I know now, that God will help me get through this. He is going to help me learn to trust. Help heal my broken soul, mend my broken heart and most importantly, guide me to where he knows I need to be.