May Challange!

I know today is the 2nd already, but I am going to kick my butt and do yesterday and today! Anyone want in with me??? 

April 30th

Little by little I am adding my mileage!! 

The most frustrating thing ever is that in doing ALL this running I have lost NO weight, only gained!! what the heck!! 

April 29th

April 28th

April 25th

I hate that I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. Now that I have something tracking me, I feel like I do NOTHING all day long. No wonder I weigh closer to 300lbs then I do to 200lbs! Anyway, I sat at work all day yesterday. Then, I was meeting my dad at 7pm for a special showing of the Star Trek special feature, The Best of Both Worlds. Yes, we are dorks. LOL My dad LOVED star trek. Still does. I hated it when I was young, then the next generation came out, and it was better, then Will Wheaton came on to the show, and who doesn't like a cute teenager when your a teen?? So I got hooked. My dad and I even went to star trek conventions when they would come to buffalo! Pathetic I know. So when my dad invited me to this special showing, I was excited. And, I enjoyed it. LOL I get the story lines now, when I was young, they meant nothing to me. So they did interviews with the cast, then showed the 2 episodes, then did bloopers and even a special preview of the new season 4 that is coming out on blue ray this summer. So,, sorry about that long story, but I had yet another 2 hours to sit, when the heck would I get my steps in??

Well, I got home from work at 4:35, I needed to shower by 5:30 so I could leave the house by 6 or so. so at 4:53, Mike pulled in the driveway, and I ran out of it. I was frustrated, because my GPS wasn't working really well. I couldn't get my running program to work AT ALL. then my music wouldn't continue playing, it would freeze after every song. ugh. I hate runs like this. So in the end, I did intervals, on my own, judging my mailboxes, or trees etc and no music for motivation. I guess I didn't do horrible though. In the end of the night, at bedtime here were my results. 

 I did a total of 4.45 miles over the entire day. I am sure 2 if not more (I need to go map that route I think) were from the walk/run after work, and A good 4000+ steps were from that as well.  AND I managed to get home from the run at 5:23, get in the shower, and was dressed and ready to go before 6pm, so I got to hang out with Colin for a bit while Caden and daddy were outside cutting the grass!! Wahoo!! 

 

Triggers

Hubby's work truck broke down 2 days ago. Bad enough, that it's going to be out of commission for a couple of days until they figure something out, so he's pulling flatbed for now. Which is fine. This is a huge trigger for me though.The last time his truck broke down to this degree, it was December. December 18th to be exact. He didn't have to work, because there wasn't enough for him to pull flatbed, so he stayed home. Then sent me a text saying that they needed a specific part for the truck, and asked Mike to drive out to Tonawanda to pick it up for them. Odd, But Ok. I seriously thought nothing of it at all. A few hours later he called to tell me that he went to Tim Horton's while he was out there, and the drive thru lane was too long, so he went in to order, while he was there, he ran into a gal he used to teach religion with, so they sat down and had coffee together. Why did he feel the need to tell me this piece of info? Because my dad's wife, Cheryl, my stepmother, saw him. With another women. NOW I know all of that was a lie. I was being played, I was a fool and gullible as can be, because I trusted my husband with my whole heart. Trusted that he would never lie to me, so dumb little me, believed every single word out of his mouth. Even a week later on Christmas eve when Cheryl mentioned it to me about Mike being with someone else, I still never thought in a million years that my husband would cheat on me. Idiot that I am, didn't see it, even when Cheryl clearly did. She saw it clear enough that she even called my dad that day and told him. If only I was able to read through the lines then. Although. Really, would it change things now? He was already cheating with HER. He had already had an emotional affair with someone else by that time. He had already kissed her, so in reality, It wouldn't have stopped the hurt or the pain. BUT I would have known a month sooner. I wouldn't have been played as long. Everything happens for reasons. There are reasons why it did the way it did, for which I am grateful. 

Anyway, the point being -  when something as simple as his truck breaking down, which is a simple meaningless nothing to him, Brings me right back to the "real" reality of what has happened to us. Reminds me that my heart still hurts and breaks and brings tears to my eyes. Somedays, most days actually, all is really well, but there are those moments, that remind me, Kym, You ARE only 3 months out from DDay, give yourself time to heal. It's Ok to be sad and upset, and it's OK to have triggers. 

Fit Bit!

I have been wanting and wanting some sort of small device to track my steps etc for a long time now. After much research, and asking the IG community. The Zip seemed like the best way to go. Well... We learned this weekend as well, that with my employer discount, we get 25% all accessories at Verizon. Well... Did you know they sell FIT BITS at verizon??? Who would think?! SO!!! I was able to get  $14 off this awesome little thing yesterday! You have no idea how excited I was. 

I bought it on my lunch break. Went back to work and put it on at around 1:00pm, Look at how many steps I ended up taking just from 1pm until bedtime at 10 pm!? 

I was pretty darn excited. LOL 

Bummed I woke up this morning though and it didn't re-set my steps to 0. Blah! Apparently I had to sync it to my computer and set my time up first. WELL, I can't do that at work, and I didn't feel like lugging the lap top around last night, SO, it never got Sync(ed) which means, I'll just aim for 20310 steps to know I met my goal today! LOL 

April 22nd

I struggled bit time during this run. I DID NOT want to go. It took me a good 35+ minutes to convince myself to get off my butt and get moving. After wards though? I was really glad that I did it and felt great. Those are best workout times ever!!

 And here is sweaty me after a good workout! It really did end up being good! Countdown is on for that 1/2! Yes, I still have like 10 more miles per run to get in, I know, I know......

April 23rd

I ran with Mike tonight. It was nice. But rough. Does that make sense? Nope, I didn't think so. Here's the thing. Most of the time, I am great. I feel better etc, but there are days, where is hits me like a freight train what has happened. This past weekend, our daughter was a model in a fashion show. One of the other models, shared the same name as HER. You know who her is. That name, is a huge trigger for me. Huge. SO for 3 hours on Sunday, All I had to hear over and over and over again was that name. I blocked it out as much as I could, I thought I did a good job of it. BUT somewhere in the back of my mind, I failed I guess, because this whole thing has been on the front of mind for a couple days now, and the only reason I can think of is the trigger. 

While I was running yesterday, it was HORRIBLE. I was crying my eyes, sobbing. hiding my face so he wouldn't see me blubbering while running. When the intervals were complete, It was harder to hide, since he stood next to me. He asked me a question and I couldn't answer, because I was choked up too much. It hurts that much still. My heart still hurts. Even when I think it won't anymore, it does. And that part of this I hate the most. He wants it to be over. I don't blame him, But something tells me that triggers will set me up for pain for a while to come. Know what else I did? I had to change the hotel we were planning on staying for the 1/2 in August. The room I originally booked, I did so 2 days before I found out. Which meant he was with her then. I couldn't face walking into that hotel, knowing when we made that decision together, that I was not the only one he was discussing things with. She probably knew the hotel we would be at. I just can't face any choices that were made in that time frame and am redoing everything that was done then. I want nothing to relate me and my marriage to her and my husband. He belongs to ME, and those choices belong to US. 

So.. other then my breakdown via running, we had a decent run.. Mike can run like it's the easiest thing in the world. I am quite jealous. The weather was perfect and I didn't struggle any more then usual. Those are the best runs ever. 

 

April 17th workout

Yesterday, I met a friend from Retrouvaille for a walk, instead of coffee (go us!) We had an awesome walk. I was glad that I didn't have to run and disappoint myself again. I hate having high hopes and then not panning out as pictures. So we walked around Como Lake Park, a local park out here. It was a great night for it. We walked quick, so our heart rates got up there! And as you can see, we walked a 15 min, mile, which isnt' too bad. 

I'd like to get out and run this evening. Today is beautiful outside, of course I am stuck in work until after 4, then by the time I get the boys settled at home it will be 7 before I get back outside. But it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow, and go back to the 40's. So it's my perfect opportunity to go run this evening, then have to do some sort of strength tomorrow night. DO IT KYM. I hate when it comes to strength. I just can't get into it on my own, but I know it's just as important for training for a half as running is. so do it darn it!! 

ME

Alright, not the greatest picture of me, BUT I am not one of those people who take pictures of themselves in the mirror often, so I don't exactly know how to do it. LOL Plus, I was worried someone would walk in on me and wonder what the heck?? (this is the bathroom at work)  I thought since I need to get gung ho on getting out there, I should start with a before picture. So, here's all of Me, Kym, 257.2 lbs. Taken today 4/18/13 blah.  

Now I am freaking out.

I think now would be a good time to start panicking. 13 miles.... Um.. What the H$$$ was I thinking??? Seriously, I don't now that I can do this. that is FAR. It's the WHOLE DARN STATE PARK! I am nervous. How in the world can I work myself up to running 14 miles (because I want to be able to run one more then need be) when currently I can't even run 1 mile??? Oh lord. Help me. 

Advice... anyone??? Other then, yes, Freak out!

Ok, NOW I just realized today is the 17th, Um.. that means this is EXACTLY 4 MONTHS FROM TODAY. Holy Cow Batman! 

Trying to get back in the Game

I am really trying hard to get back in the game. It's so hard when life knocks you down, to get back up. I feel as if there are weights sitting on top of me as I lay down and can't gain the strength to get back up again. Slowly but surely, I am going to get back up. I've been on the right dosage of meds now for about 7 weeks, and I am feeling more and more like me. Our family dynamic, although still struggling is better. Of course, it will be quite a while for our family to completely, if ever, overcome infidelity. I think that's normal. I also think it's normal for me to have both good and bad days. Our CORE meeting is on Saturday and I am really looking forward to being back with my safety line again. 

Considering my 1/2 is coming closer and closer each breath that I take, I thought Now is the time Kym. DO THIS. Another part of the reason, was the Boston Bombings. What kind of sick psycho did this to us?? Really, it's just horrible. Our children have experienced more acts of terrorism in their short lives, then I ever remember dealing with at their age. So very sad. So, as my heart is breaking for those who passed away because of this act, and those 170+ others who are injured. Some critical, some serious, and some just minor, regardless, they have been put in the center of something that never should have happened. I can't do anymore then pray for all of those involved  and pray that this person, whoever he/she/they are, are caught and punished. To honor those, I got on my shoes, and said, TODAY (well yesterday really) is the day I am going to release that weight. If they can survive that, then I can survive this. 

I was surprised when I turned on my NIKE app and it had been 12 days since my last run/walk. (let's not forget that before that 12 days, it had been Since January 17th, 2 days before my hell began)  So much for that day being my restart huh?? blah.

Yesterday was a crappy rainy, chilly day. 49 degrees and it was almost 7pm, but we have to put mind over matter and stop using excuses. Here goes nothing!! 

.

The RUN SUCKED. Really, it did. it was horrible. I thought I have the C25K program running, when in reality I have the 10K program running. SO my first run, I run well over a block, thinking, this is WAY more then the 60 seconds I should be running. Stopped, checked it out, and yes, it was 10k, which was five 8 min runs. Um.. Not happening. So I went back to the 5K one, but was already frustrated by then. Then the dam phone rang and I missed a running interval  I probably only did 3, not even full intervals, before I gave up and just started walking the rest of the way. I guess anything is better then nothing, so here are my sad, sad starts for the day yesterday. 

A 15 min mile is horrid. 

 And here is me post workout as I am walking into the house. So disappointed in myself :( 

I'll get there again. Although I feel better, I still really miss that confident Kym. Knowing what my future held. 

A Must Post

To realize the value of a sister/brother

Ask someone who doesn't have one

To realize the value of ten years:

Ask a newly divorced couple

To realize the value of four years:

Ask a graduate

To realize the value of one year:

ask a student who has failed a final exam

To realize the value of nine months:

ask a mother who gave birth to a still born

To realize the value of one month:

ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby

To realize the value of one week:

ask an editor of a weekly newspaper

To realize the value of one minute:

ask a person who has a missed the train, bus or plane

To realize the value of one second, 

ask a person who has survived an accident

Time waits for no one

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when you can share with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member, 

Lose one. 

Another Text message this morning. I feel like I have to save them...

4/0/13

Beautiful

Yesterday, I was told {by Mike} That i was beautiful. I can't ever remember a time that he's told me that, or if he has, it was eons (years and years) ago. Sometimes, even if you don't believe those words, it really IS nice to hear them.....

He sent me this text just a bit ago. I am adding it here, because I want to always remember/have it:

I want you to know that I do love and I'm very very sorry for what I've done to you in the past. I really do love you and i'm not just saying that. 

Sent April 8th at 12:05pm

Tonight I am meeting with a friend. A friend, who is going to completely 100% understand everything that I say to her. Because  she too, is living the "after" retrouvaille life. It's hard to separate real life and that life. You want everything to be the perfect retrouvaille way, after all, you did work your behind off for 3 straight days, then 7 weeks after that as well. THEN, all of a sudden, post is over, CORE came and went the first month, and here we are. Just kinda hanging out in a life raft, bobbing up and down with the waves. The thoughts begin to consume you again. You lose focus of your diaglouing, and as soon as that happens, the reality of what brought you to Retrouvaille to begin with, is at the front of your mind.

So... said friend and I are meeting for Coffee tonight. She is struggling. I am struggling. Not the way you may be thinking, but trying to get back to real life, and find the level ground I had prior to DDay is difficult. I want to run again. I want to sleep again, I want to laugh again. I want to not have to rely on meds. I want to not have to worry when I leave the house alone. I want to trust 100% and most importantly, I want to forgive and work on the reason we ended up where we did. So does she. She is struggling with the same problems, and she gets it.

I am ever grateful for programs such as Retrouvaille. They remind us that we are NOT the only couple who has and is or will be struggling. I am SURE many of my friends alone have been or are in the same position, but don't say anything. Maybe exposing my personal life is too much for some, but for me? It's part of my lifeline.  And I know, someday in the future, that lifeline, will be a line for another couple struggling. I am sad that it happened to me, DEVASTATED that it happened to me, but relieved if I can help someone else in the future. As our last meeting topic said it best - "unshared pain is wasted pain"

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my best friends death.I could go on and on for hours talking about Jennifer and how much I miss her. I won't though today. I know she is helping me, holding me up and waiting to hug me again just as much as I am her. I love and miss you every single day Jennifer Lynn.

Oye. Do you see that 1/2 Marathon ticker up there at the top? Yea... I am scared to death of it right now! I haven't ran since the Day I my life changed. that's been just over 2 months now. Depression doesn't just effect your mind, it really really takes a toll on your body too. It hurts, and whoever says that it doesn't physically, mentally, emotionally hurt, has NEVER truly been in a depression. Anyway - I haven't had any desire to do much of anything since that day. Thankfully, with therapy and a few med adjustments, I am starting to smile more, have more energy, sleep a little bit more, and actually think about running again. I haven't thought about it since that day. I HATE THAT DAY.

So, my 1/2 is in essentially 18 weeks. I was doing great training before life happened. I was running a decent amount of time intervals. Yesterday, I decided I need to get back on track, or I am pretty much screwed and will die in August. SO I goggled some 1/2 training plans. Most of them however, require you to already be running at 30 full minutes  I however, am no longer there. I did find one though  that is 19 weeks long, one week shy of the race. By week 15 it has you running 14 miles for your long run one day a week. So, since I am not running 30 minutes yet, I am hoping I can add a couple "play" weeks in here of the Couch to 10K to get endurance built back up then switch over to this plan. If I start next Monday, which is April 1st, Do 4 weeks of 10K training  then move over here, 15 weeks, which is the first long run, will be me 2 weeks before race day. It's a long shot, but I think it might be doable. Well, actually, it's going to have to be doable, there is no other option to the matter. I've paid my fee, I've reserved my hotel room and I've taken the time off of work. I'd be dumb to not get my butt in gear.

So .. the time has come.. to KICK depressions behind. I am going to forget how much that day has taken me away from who I am. I am going to find ME again. And gosh darn it, I am going to RUN that 1/2 in August.

In the mean time. Can you please pray for me? I still continue to need god's guidance. Not only in this matter, but in every day life. It's not easy, but I try my best. Someday I can even go a whole day without thinking that IT happened  Of course, I am then thrown back into reality, but the fact that it's not my first waking thought it a good thing. Please pray for me... And for him. For us, as a couple, who is struggling to find our feet on ground again.

The First Weekend

Going into this weekend, it is the First Weekend. The FIRST {normal life} weekend, since I found out. It's been 2 months and 3 days. And this is the first weekend, that has not been Retrouvaille related, albeit it the 3 day weekend, the 6 weeks of post sessions, or our first CORE last weekend. I almost feel lost. Lonely. Like my lifeline has a little bit of extra slack in it and I am not sure I like it not pulled taught. We have plans this weekend, nothing huge really. Just our sons Pinewood derby tomorrow morning  And an Easter event with the kids and friends tomorrow afternoon, but, it's the first weekend, that our  marriage isn't the #1 topic. And in reality, it won't be again until April 20th. That's forever away. Can I make it that far? Do I have the strength to overcome this without that weekly lifeline? I hope so. I know that if I ask, God will be RIGHT here to carry me again. He's been holding my hand occasionally, but I haven't asked to be carried in a couple of weeks now. That means I am in a somewhat better place. 

I've spent the past 8 weeks, the darkest 8 weeks of my life, with complete strangers, turned friends, turned people who has shared my worst days with me. People who understand my feelings and what I am going through  and know the hard work I am putting in to correct and make this better. Because they too, are fighting the same uphill battle. I will miss them this weekend. I will miss the security of Retrouvaille. The feeling of safety. 

Maybe I should go for a walk or run this weekend............. Let's remember WHO I really was before January 19th 2013 and am I still in there?? 

Sometimes, we hurt those we love the most.

I am going to continue to believe this. Believe that there is still Love. I am told there is, but it's up to me to truly believe in those words. So I am going to believe that Yes, I am loved, because I was hurt. 

40 Day Mark

Today Marks the 40th day since my life has been forever changed. Today is the FIRST day, that I've been able to sit at work without horrible chest pains, serious anxiety and without fear. I think maybe somewhere over the past few days, my heart has opened itself up to trusting again. I haven't had the urge to go look through his emails, or call logs from work. I haven't felt the need to go through the cell phone bill (which BTW, I did yesterday, and it was completely devastating. I was so beyond played. Even if it is over, It STILL hurts to look at and think back)  I haven't felt like I needed to pull up his Google internet searches for the day. I was also able to get a full 3 hours of sleep last night. It the longest stretch of time that I've managed in 40 days.

I also met a new counselor though my EAP yesterday. Kristie was wonderful. I left there, not upset as I did with the other guy on Friday. I didn't feel my heart breaking more when I left, I just felt, fine. I've learned since seeing that other guy, that I should never leave a therapy session feeling worse then I did walking in.

I've come to the conclusion that the past is the past. It's over (from what I know) it's done with. I can't change it anymore then he can. He will always be guilty of what he did to me. I will always hold him 100% accountable for doing it and I will always be the one who was hurt and blind sided in the end. But I have to move forward. I don't want to know any other information. I don't ever want to say or hear her name. She is HER to me and always will be until the day I die. Someday I am confident that I will be able to drive past those 2 Tim Hortons, or those bars without having a panic attack. Sure it might take time, but I am hoping it will come, in that time.

I have ALOT of healing to do. I have alot of learning to do. I have a lot of work to do, on me, on my family and on my relationship with my husband and our marriage. In the end I want us to be a stronger unit then we were when we said our vows 9.5 years ago.

I have firmly believed always that life happens as it does for reasons. Within the FIRST 24 hours of finding out what he did, I was still believing that. God may not have led my husband to do what he did, but he DID play a hand is bringing me to where I am right now. I would NOT be thus far, had those first 24 hours and first week not happened as they did. As I sat in church last night, listening to the gospel, I was reminded of that.I know that I am not walking through this alone. I know there is a greater being helping me along, holding my hand, and carrying me when I need it. Rubbing my back when I am crying and leading me to where I need to be, when I feel as if I can't move further.

Ultimately, I want my husband back. NOT the man I've apparently been living with for the past year. I want the man I married. Although, I've never stopped loving any bit of him, I don't know who the person I've been living with was. It might take more time since our kids still need to be our first focus, but I am willing to invest whatever time I need to invest. I am willing to do what I need to do. I hope he is too. I want nothing more then to grow old with the man I married 9.5 years.

Forever's As Far As I'll Go

My Wedding song. When your getting married, picking that one song, is SUCH an important task. You have to really find something that fits your relationship. Early on into Dating my husband, He gave me a tape (because then that is what we had :) ) Of Alabama's song, Forever's As Far As I'll Go. He's never been one to show any emotion or feelings, so by him giving this to me, it showed me what he really felt. When we got engaged, it was only natural to pick the one song that showed our true feeling towards one another. The words were SO our life!! 

After your married, you'll hear that song a few times here and there, or if your like us, and pick an older song like we did, you'll never hear it again. We have NEVER heard it. In fact, we had to buy the CD for the DJ at our wedding because he too, had never heard the song before. With my life in it's current upheaval and trying to work through all of these problems, this morning on my way to work, I had the urge to hear this song. Thankfully, in the world of smart phones, I didn't have to go buy the CD again, just Google it! So I found it and listened to it over and over. WOW, I didn't realize then how very powerful the words in the song are. Or maybe they are to me right now, because I am so vulnerable. To imagine that I was loved as those words say just 10 years ago... is crazy to think. I hope more then anything, that those powerful words, and the feelings that come along with them, come back to him someday. I am not the person who fell out of love. I am not the person who thought things were bad. I'll do anything to have Forever a part of my life again. 

God, I am trying. I know he is trying. Please help me to not push him away again. To help him remember that at one point in time, his love for me WAS that important to him, and to me. Continue to guide us and love us, and carry us through this hard time. I know we can't overcome without your love, guidance and support. 

Amen.

Forever's As Far As I'll Go

I'll admit I could feel it

The first time that we touched

The look in your eyes

Said you felt as much

But Iam not a man

who falls so easily

it's best that you know 

Where you stand with me

I will give you my heart

Faithful and true

And all the love that it can hold

That's all I can do

But I've thought about

how long I'll love you

And it's only fair that you know

Forever's as far as I'll go. 

When there's age around my eyes

and gray in your hair

And it only takes a touch to recall 

the love we've shared

I won't take for granted 

that you know my love it true

Each night in your arms

I will whisper to you

I will give you my heart

faithful and true

And all the love it can hold

that's all I can do

But I've thought about

How long i'll love you

and it's only fair that you know

Forever's as far as I'll go......

I am lost

Through all of this the thing I am most sad about? The fact that I've lost who I AM. It takes years to build yourself up as a person after childhood and adolescent and young adult years. As a teenager, I had NO self esteem. I was always a bit bigger, and didn't have a whole lot of friends. I had my good solid group of friends and I was ok with that. But My confidence and self esteem were pretty null. I always found myself apologizing and saying sorry for everything in life. Looking back, as an adult and reconnecting with some people who knew me during this time, it was my low self esteem and lack of confidence in every thing I did that make me act the way I did.

Obviously since then, I've grown up. I got pregnant at 19 and had a child that I basically raised on my own by the age of 20. I grew up fast, and strong, because I had no one else to help me out. It was me and her and darn it, we would survive it. A couple years later, I met my husband, got married, traveled lots, had our boys,  SURVIVED PPD, not once but twice and have become a mom of 3. A now teenager daughter and 2 special needs little boys on the Autism spectrum. My confidence has blossomed SO much over the years. I was happy with my life. I loved the man I married. I was a good mom. An involved mom and a GREAT advocate for my special needs boys.

Then I woke up one day, and my world was shattered apart. Not just broke a little bit, It was shattered in all those tiny little slivers of glass, you find days, months and years later in the oddest of places. Knowing the depth of disrespect given to me, and the amount of betrayal that went on for so long, put me RIGHT back to those teenager years. I have no idea who I am. I have NO self esteem for myself. I have NO confidence in anything I say or do. I can't read books anymore, because it hurts to read somehow. I can't sleep at night because my insides are a dam mess. I can't run. I love to run, I can't run, because I don't have the confidence in myself to be able to do it anymore.(and I am supposed to be running a 1/2 marathon in less then 6 months!)  I am a failure to myself. I blame myself for everything that has and is happening, and all over again, ALL i do is say sorry. Just like I did when I was 16. I am NOT that person, and I never wanted to see that person again. I don't like her. I don't want to be her, but I don't know how to fix myself to become that strong happy person anymore either. How is THIS what my life has become? I am numb most of the time, and when the numbness goes away, my raw feelings come out, and then I spend the rest of that time crying. I say all the wrong things, do all the wrong things and can't find positives in much anymore and I can't stand it. I am NOT a negative person. I am optimistic. I am confident! So where is that KYM?? I need her so badly to come back. I am not sure I can overcome what needs to be overcame unless I have her strength and confidence to push me through. This sucks. I have NO normal. I have no idea what my evenings or weekends will consist of. I've never worried about any of that before. I can't focus when I am at work OR when I am at home. I fail at most things I try to do, even when I think I am trying my best. The only thing I want to do, is go to church and sit there for hours. I want to pray. I want to ask god to make all of this go away. Bring ME back from the darkness that has covered me. I don't like it here. I want my family back. I want my husband back. Most of all, I want myself back. I am lost, and I don't know how to find my way back home.

Understanding Forgiveness

So when we believe that someone has "done me wrong", we have judged that person, we have condemned then. The prophecy may home no effect on them who it was it was directed to, but, it does have a significant effect on us, by this prophecy we have proclaimed ourselves judge, jury and executioner. Forgiveness is the only way out. 

This is the real power of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness offers opportunity to free the world from our own condemnation of it. Forgiveness frees us from the world and the people that we have condemned by our judgement again them. As we have judged/condemned then, we have judged and condemned ourselves as well. 

it takes time for find forgiveness in our heart after such great pain and grief is thrust on us by this great betrayal. It takes time to sort things out in our minds before we can forgive, but when we do, it's like a gift to ourselves. 

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks, {28 days, 672 hours} since my life has changed forever. It hasn't gotten any easier to accept, but I am learning little by little to continue to move forward. There has not been 1 time over the past 27 days that I have NOT cried. I have yet to sleep for a full night and not wake a million times. Thankfully I am eating better, and not getting nauseous from just smelling or looking at food. That alone tells me that my healing has begun.

I've finally realized that healing ME is not something that I can do by myself  I thought I could. I've tried for 3 weeks now. But the thoughts still consume me, and until I know that what I am feeling is normal, and that it will end in time, I can not heal. Without healing, I can not move forward with forgiveness and trust and I desperately needed to. Although nervous, I am looking forward to helping myself through this.

I look forward to being happy again. I look forward to having self confidence once again. I look forward to having a new normal, instead of the nothing that I am living in right now. And most of all, I look forward to not living in the fear that has me consumed right now.

Dear lord - I feel your presence, helping me and guiding me. Please carry me a while longer. I need you still, and admit this is something that I can NOT do own my own. Amen.

Success

Copywriter: Niderah

The road to success is not straight

there is a curve called failure, 

a loop called confusion,

speed bumps called friends,

red lights called enemies

and caution lights called family

But if you have a spare called Determination

an engine called perseverance, 

insurance called faith 

and a driver called Jesus

You will make it to a place called Success! 

I always thought that once I got married, I would always be with that person forever. Good or Bad, problems or no problems. It never even occurred to me that at some point it might not work out. I thought married couples make it work no matter what the situation. I promised myself that, so I wouldn't end up like my parents and most other broken families out there. Not being with that person, or having to deal with them possibly not loving you or wanting you any longer, never even crossed my mind. It wasn't what marriage was about for me. Maybe I was naive to think like. Obviously I was. If I thought my marriage would end up at a point like it is currently experiencing, I don't think I ever would have gotten married. Maybe god is teaching me a lesson for all the horrible things I did when I was younger to others. I don't know, but I worry every moment of every day and I don't want to. I just want to be happy again. I just want my "normal" back, whatever that may or not be. No one should ever, ever, ever, have to go though something like this. 

A later thought 

 I guess in reality, it kind of is payback to me. I apparently made my husband unhappy and miserable enough in our marriage that he had to go find someone better, so in a way, I deserve each and every hurt, pain and sadness that I've experienced. 

God can restore what is broken

and change into something amazing.

All you need is faith

Joel 2:25

God is workings things out for you, Even if you don't feel it.

 Have Faith and be thankful  

Where faith and hope grows, miracles blossom.

 Never regret a day in your life. 

Good days give you happiness and bad days give you experience. 

Both are essential in life.

 All are god's blessings. 

What is Heartbreak?

Is it laying on the bathroom floor trying your damnedest to breathe

 while simultaneously wondering why it went wrong, 

how your gonna get up and pretend like everything is all right  

and what the hell are you going to do about that hole in your heat?

Yeah, I think that about sums it up. 

Lord, 

Please Calm my heart and soul today, 

so many things 

are out of my control

and I need your 

LOVE

to soothe me and calm me

YOUR love lets me know

it will be OK. 

Amen.

Dear Lord, Please help me to forgive. To trust again. I need to forgive, so I can move forward. I've never stopped loving, so I must learn to forgive, so I can make the hurt end, and move on. Amen

I feel like I need to find ME again. I am not sure where I was taken to, or why I was taken, But I can't stand not feeling myself. The not being able to sleep, not looking at ME in the mirror, not eating without feeling sick. The unknowing... I want me again. 

Sent to me of course, from another friend. It's very true. I am sure, as long as I am given my healing time, that I can and will get to this point. My hurt has to heal first, and then I can work on forgiveness and moving forward. I am looking very forward to that part of my life. 

Another one I got in my email this morning:

"The Stronger you are mentally & Physically the easier life becomes"

Living a Lie

Hindsight is 20/20, pardon my language, but FUCK hindsight. 

Did you ever look back on your life and realize it was all a lie?? I never did. Not until recently. And you know what? IT PLAIN OUT SUCKS. Here I sit, thinking my life/family/world is living it's typical day, day after day after day. Until that world comes crashing down, you never have to second guess anything about it. Now, Here I sit, Looking at pictures from Mid November, until now... Wondering what parts of them were real, and what parts were a lie and I was being played? Actually, In reality, I was being played the entire time. Thanksgiving? A Lie. Christmas Eve? A Lie. Christmas DAY?? A Lie. New Years Eve? Yet another lie, and it reminds me why I was sitting home alone with my sleeping children as well. :(  For gosh sake, 12 days ago, as we sit eating dinner at the kitchen table???? Yep.. you've guessed it. A Lie!!! 

Well dam it. I am TIRED of living a lie. I can't even tell a little white lie. I can't leave work on my desk, because I won't be able to sleep when I go to bed at night. So WHY should I be forced to live in someone else's lie? 

My heart has been broken, my soul torched. And I can't do this on my own

Dear Lord, Please, I beg you, to PLEASE give me the strength to overcome this. To be able to look past the hurt and pain. To learn to trust again. And to be able to forgive. I didn't sign up to live this life, and I need the strength, courage and help of YOU to be able to overcome, because I know I can't do it on my own. I am trying, and failing. Dear god, Please carry me and guide me. Please don't let my children and I suffer from consequences that we didn't choose. I honestly don't ask for much from you. I do pretty well on my own, this time though, I am begging for you to intervene. In your precious name. Amen



January 19th 2013, the day my world was shattered and changed forever. 

What have I learned over the past 5/6 days? I've learned that life can change in an instant. You can go to bed one night, telling the person laying next to you that you love them, and wake up the next day, and have NO idea who you are, or more important who that person next to you is. You will NEVER be the same person that you were when you put your head on that pillow Friday night. It's scary. So very scary. 

I've always been a firm believer, that god NEVER gives us more then we can handle, and that he has a plan for us. I've always believed that everything in life happens for a reason. BUT when your life can change SO drastically SO quickly it makes it so very hard to believe this. The Anger that overcomes you, takes over and  you can't see past it. I've never had anger take over me before. Not before Saturday morning. It scared me. Every thought I had, was consumed by anger. Each movement I made was made by anger. I couldn't help but wonder why god lets the devil in to create such chaos on my body. On my heart and soul and my mind.

I woke up Sunday. Well, didn't really wake up, since I never really went to sleep, but got out of bed before 5am, and showered. Got dressed, and left the house before 6am. Got my coffee and drove to church. God wasn't going to let that anger consume me anymore. He was going to help me through it. I enjoy going to church as an adult. Not so much as I child, BUT I never ever, had the urge, I need church now. I had that urge on Sunday. I was at church almost 2 hours before mass began. I sat in the parking lot, googling articles to console my heart and soul and crying my eyes out. I prayed for healing, for the ability to be able to forgive the person who has made me feel this way. I sat in church, and never held back the tears. I let them come freely, I let god work his hands and help me. 

Without God and with out some amazing friends, I am not sure how I would have overcame the pain of this new life. The hurt that it has caused. The heartbreak. But God and my friends have helped me already. They've held me, listened to me, cried with me and supported any and all decisions that I have and will make. I by NO means am better. I am hurt, sad, and scared of what my future and the future of my family holds for us. 

But I have learned how quickly life can change. I'll never take advantage of anything ever again. EVER. I'll also never know if words spoken are those meant for me or not. But I know now, that God will help me get through this. He is going to help me learn to trust. Help heal my broken soul, mend my broken heart and most importantly, guide me to where he knows I need to be. 

Truth

Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I am sorry and help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they may be in. 

Friends when you need them

I've been going through a really rough time for the past couple of days. It involves my personal life, so I won't post about it on here, but I have some amazing friends, counseling me, and helping me out. One of them sent me an email yesterday. This person, I met at a race almost 3 years ago, and we've remained friends via facebook and even race a few races together since then. She sent me this.:

Kym - I know how strong you are. It's what made me pick YOU, out of hundreds of others to run next too at that race 3 years ago. I saw it in your smile then. Your strength radiates in your smile and I knew immediately that we would be good friends. Your strength will carry you through.

At that moment, I needed someone, anymore to boost my confidence and pay me a compliment. She did just that and then some. It made my night, and more so, made me really smile for the first time in 3 days. How do our friends know right when we need them so???

Another friend, sent me a quote this morning  I received it right after I got out of the shower, which is a horrible place for your mind to wander and bring evil thoughts. It too, came when I needed it most.

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing....."
- Elizabeth Gilbert. 

So very true. Regardless of what road my life takes from here, it WILL be changing. It will never be the life I knew when I went to bed Friday evening. Here's to hoping for positive changes.

Wednesday/Thursday Leg Challenge

I kicked some serious leg butt last night! I found a 7 inch step in our house and DID 296 step ups! Holy moly, my thighs were on FIRE when I was done!! Here's my complete tally of the challenge

Lunges  10 

Squats 15

Calf raises 29

Step ups 295

Front Kicks 52

Back Kicks 160

Side kicks 60

In addition I was able to make it to the aerobic class at the gym as well! I even had couple people come up to me after class and told me that for being in the class only 2 weeks, that Iam catching on well :) Good, I think?? 

One Pound

I lost one pound this morning. :( I was kind of sad, until someone posted this on the BL camp boards.

One Pound of Fat 

Hello! Do you know me? If you don't, you should. 

I am ONE POUND OF FAT, and I am the happiest pound of FAT that you would ever want to meet!

Want to know why? It's because no one ever wants to lose me! After all, I am only ONE POUND OF FAT. Just ONE POUND. Everyone wants to lose 3 or 5 or 15 pounds, but never ONLY one.

So, I just stick around and happily keep you. Then I am free to add to myself, ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice...

That is, until I have grown to 10, 20 or even 30 pounds in weight... 

YES... it is fun being ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT... left to do just as I please. 

So, when you weigh in, go ahead... just keep on saying, "Oh I only lost one pound." (As if that is so terrible.) For you see, if you do this, you will encourage others to hang around me because they will think that I am not worth losing.

And I LOVE being around you... your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips, and every other part of you. HAPPY DAYS! After all, I am ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT!!!

---author unknown---

I felt a bit better after this! 

Back to Running!

Foot was still feeling good after class on Tuesday  so I thought I'd give running a try. I must admit, I hate when your mind plays negative head games with you. And does it ever. 

I decided that since Caden had religion that I would drive him there at 6:30, leave the car parked there, then run, and be back at the car by 7:30 when his class was over. So I got all winterized prior too. It was 24 and windy outside. I wore a pair of wicking shorts under a pair of cotton pants. I had a wicking long sleeve shirt on, under a t-shirt and on top of that my windbreaker. I also had on my gloves, and head wrap for my ears. Of course, I had my blinking red light wrapped around my arm, since it's BLACK outside at this hour. 

So I got Pandora started (which sucks the hell out of my battery, can anymore recommended a music site??) NIKE + gps going and started week 2 day 2 of Zero to 10K. I started my 5 minute warm up walk, and froze to death. It was SO cold and that wind was horribly brutal. It was killing my face. Even with my ears covered I was so cold. Then the first 90 sec run started and I struggled. Struggled with my breathing, and with the run in general. My foot felt Ok, my legs were heavy. Enter negative thought. What business do I have thinking I can run 13 miles in 7 months? None at all! Really Kym, Do you really think you can do this? You can't even do this. I ignored and kept pushing on. By the 2nd run, I was warmer and by the 3rd run I was more confident. My legs were entering the "numb" stage, which I love. It's at that point  where I don't have to tel them to keep going, they do it on their own. Negative thoughts go away, because my mind see's that my body IS doing it no matter what it tells it. The longest I ran in 90 was .15 miles which was fine. I completed day 2 in the cold and wind, in the dark, alone. Moving along. And it was all done in 31 mins total. I was back at the car by 7:06 and had my heart rate back to normal by 7:25 when I went to wait for him. Worked out well and I think it's my new Wednesday night plan! Even after my time was up, I did another intervael run and I ended up going .21 miles. that was longer then any of my 90 second intervals. I was determinded to get to the end of the road I was one!! Here's the picture of that one. 

 Here's the rest of my stats. 

From the running app: 

And since this is only on during the period it needs to be on, here is my Nike app:

Hoping that hubby gets home in time tonight so I can get to aerobics! if not i'll run again, BUT on the track at the gym, way to cold today.

AND tomorrow is Boot Camp weigh in! Gosh, I HOPE I lost something!! 

Tuesday's workout

Ok, Ok, Couple days behind. Tuesday, since my foot was finally feeling the best it has yet, I decided to head back to the gym for the Aerobics class. Holy crap, I worked my butt off, however, gently. I could still feel the weakness in my foot, so knew i had to be careful with it. Which I was. A friend of mine also let me borrow her pedometer until I am able to get one of my own. She brought it over tonight, about 8pm, and I started using it right away. By the time I went to bed at 9:30 I already had in 796 steps! I was pretty impressed! 

Survival Tips for running a 1/2

I found this article on a blog I stumbled across when I was goggling tips for training. I wanted to post it here so I can remember it 5 months from now, when I may need it most. Written by Megan @ Technically Running 

My First Half-Marathon: 5 Survival Tips

 Posted by Meagan on October 12, 2012 Add comments

 

Three months of training have finally come to an end and Steve and I are now less than 24 hours from our first half-marathon. While I know I’ve done (most of) the training, I can’t say that I feel completely prepared to run 13.1 miles. We’ve been a bit schedule-challenged the past 2-3 weeks, so I’m nervous about having missed a few of our shorter training runs. However, I’m finally at peace with the idea that I wouldn’t be doing it in the first place if it wasn’t a challenge and, one way or another, I am determined to finish. The training process has taught me a lot about myself as a runner, so, before we pick up our race packets and stock up on gels and energy jelly beans for the big day tomorrow, I wanted to share my five big ones for making it through (hopefully) unscathed.

1. Don’t think. For me, this race will likely be more of a mental challenge than a physical one. I am remarkably good at getting in my own head and filling it with doubts about whether I can “make it”, even if I’m not feeling particularly tired at the time. My excessive whining on a recent 11-mile-run is a great testament to this. One of the greatest pieces of advice I got lately was to “Run the mile you’re in.” That is, don’t stress out about all the miles you have left or how tired you are right now, just make it through this mile and then move on!

2. Don’t be afraid to push yourself. Another important thing I’ve learned about myself as a runner during training for the half-marathon is that I’m also very adept at underestimating my own abilities. Often, I will go slower than I need to because I am nervous about running out of energy later in the run. This is not such a big deal on my long training runs, but a race is about pushing yourself and seeing what your body can do. So, for the half, I’m going to remember that it’s OK to go a little beyond my perceived limits. I used this strategy when we ran a 10k as part of our half-marathon training a few weeks ago, and I was amazed that I was able to maintain and stay relatively comfortable at a pace of about 30 seconds/mile faster than I thought I would be able to.

3. Body Glide. Body Glide. Body Glide. I’ve mentioned the fact that I have sensitive feet several times on the blog, and Body Glide is one of the best solutions I’ve found for saving the balls of my feet from getting too sore and/or torn up on long runs. Coupled with this is the importance of maintaining a quick cadence, light footfalls, and overall good form.

4. Imodium. No one likes to talk about digestive issues, but, let’s face it, no one wants to get halfway through a race and realize they need to make an emergency porta-potty stop. While some people have medication-free ways to deal with this, as the owner of a sometimes troublesome tummy, I will be taking precautionary measures on race day.

5. “Sometimes, you just do things.” -Scott Jurek, Eat and Run. When the going gets tough, it is these words that I hope will keep me going. I might be tired, I might want to walk, I might want to quit, but as long as I can still put one foot in front of the other, I’m just going to do it!

The goal!

Now that you’ve seen my strategy, what are your top tips for making it through a big race?

Workouts

Well, with the foot being injured, I wasn't able to get ANY running in at all! So sad. I am hoping to get out there and complete day 2 this evening.

For my BL boot camp, we had a core challenge to complete this weekend. We had various core exercises we had to complete on both days. I am going to log it here, as well as on the challenge page.

Crunches 20/25

Dumbbell Crunches 10/25

Bike Crunch 5/31

Pelvic tilt 0/10

Side bends 0/15

Side bends w/dumbbells 15/15

Torso twist 10/0

Banana 2/5

Back Extension 0/13

Plank 0/5

Hip Bridge 0/20

T stand 0/4

In addition to that, On Saturday Mike and I took a 2.34 mile walk. I am still logging it, even if it wasn't running. We completed it in 51:38 mins at a pace of 21:10  Burned 345 cals.

Sunday - In addition to my core (which occasionally aches today, which means I did good!) I challenged my daughter to some Just Dance 4! I've never done Just Dance ever, and holy crap! that is an amazing FUN workout! So, I am happy to know, that if I can't get out running, or I can't get to the gym, that I CAN put a wii game in, and have just as much fun and burn some calories at the same time. I really wish I knew what I was burning. Gr.. And I REALLY need a pedometer as well. Hopefully Friday.

Races!!

I can't begin to tell you how freaking excited I am that the Color Me Rad 5K is FINALLY Coming to Buffalo!! 

I've actually been wanting to do this race since last year, but the closest place was in Albany, which is quite a drive. A bunch of us went on line and voted for it to come to our city, and I guess it worked!! You can click on the link above to get more info on it. Registration isn't open yet, but we are planing on forming a team, SO if you'd like to run with us, Please let me know! The more the merrier is how i look at it!

Beside this run: My must do runs are: 

The Corporate Challenge on June 6th (Delware Park, Buffalo, NY)

Color Me Rad on June 22nd (Darien Lake, Corfu, NY)

Biggest Loser walk/run 1/2 Marathon August 17th  (Presque Isle State Park, Erie PA)

Dirty Girl Mud Run on September 7th (Kissing Bridge Ski Resort, Boston, NY)

Those are my must do upcoming runs. I am sure I'll be adding more as I go along!